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The DNC Worth Caring About

By Asher Hancock:

The 2020 Democratic National Convention took place this week, and will likely stand alone in history as the first-ever virtual event of its kind. While the appeal of educating oneself on the state of a political party and what the nominee stands for is understandable, it remains doubtful that members of the opposing party could be persuaded to cross over or even tune in. Thus, perhaps it's time to take a step back from politics and focus instead on how to come together as a nation. The Democratic National Convention coincided with, and unfortunately outshined, a different event which achieved that sense of unity, an event that deserves the attention of the American people…

The Dude Nation Conference is a 3 day event usually held in Miami during spring break. This year they decided to make the conference virtual in order to keep the Dude Nation safe, and moved it to the same week as the Democratic Convention to make a statement about the current state of politics. A poster for the convention contained the message “Feel the vibes and share a virtual beer. Partying hard is this party’s only policy.” It also contained an image of a blue donkey and a red elephant chugging Whiteclaws hand in hand wearing matching “Saturdays are for the boys” cut-off tees. The event opened as always with the ceremonial opening of the golden beer - this year it was obviously a Corona. Then the DNC anthem - Young, Wild, and Free by Snoop Dogg and Wiz Khalifa - was performed, followed by Pitbull, a.k.a. Mr. Worldwide, reading the ceremonial poem:

Give me everything tonight

Because I just want to feel this moment

Like the roof is on fire

It is going down

I am yelling timber

Give me the time of my life

As the willows drip with the blood of the fallen

I cherish the purity and righteousness of the red solo cup


It is clear that he primarily just plagiarized lyrics from his own songs but we can all agree that this simply made it all the more touching.

After the opening ceremonies came some of the gentlemanly competitions. Perhaps the most exciting of those was the competition determining who could hold the longest kegstand, a drinking activity where the participant does a handstand on a keg of beer and attempts to drink for as long as possible. Astonishingly, the winner of the Ultimate Bro Award for this category turned out to be none other than Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who managed to stay up for a full 7 minutes. Far right conservative conspiracy theorist Alex Jones got second place with an impressive 4 minutes and 32 seconds. Many virtual daps and congratulations followed the event, demonstrating that this DNC truly does transcend party lines.

Day 2 mainly consisted of a variety of keynote speakers. A YouTube collective known for their constant partying and epic pranks, the NELK boys, were given an hour long speaking spot, for most of which they tried to organize a chant with the virtual attendees. The first challenge of doing so was that they debated for about 20 minutes as to whether the chant should be “Corona party” or “Corona nation.” One might think that this was a stupid argument, but their points were breathtakingly eloquent and they ultimately came to a gentlemanly agreement to alternate between the two. The next 30 minutes were spent trying to get the virtual attendees to chant in unison which was practically impossible due to all of the lag. Eventually they agreed to perform the chant via the Zoom chat by typing it in. Then they used the final 10 minutes to speak about their thoughts on the US-China relationship and the recent political hostilities between the two superpowers, something nobody expected. The other stand-out speaker of the day was Barack Obama, the only speaker to talk at both DNCs. He encouraged virtual parties rather than in person get-togethers and applauded the attitude of all the “party people,” as he called them. In an attempt to be relatable he briefly broke out into “Who Let the Dogs Out,” which was the highlight of the entire event.

Day 3 could only be described as the ultimate kickback. It was just a bunch of dudes, regardless of their gender, race, religion, politics, sexuality, or devotion to scientology, sharing a brewski, cranking up some old school jams (“The Monster Mash” was played at least 10 times along with the entirety of LMFAO’s discography), and struggling to find a conversation topic other than fishing. The staggering number of guys who had grown mustaches in recent months truly showed how many people have embraced their inner dude during the quarantine; however, the number of middle aged white men with cornrows didn’t really sit well. At the end of the day came a public service announcement about the proper way to recycle beer bottles and an unsurprisingly incoherent video from Kanye West in which he mentioned Teletubbies, Saudi Arabia, the invention of cotton candy, and Big Brother all in the same sentence.

Everybody knows that there’s nothing like a good party, and the Dude Nation Convention certainly threw a great one, which begs the question: why did this DNC not get as much attention as its political cousin??? Perhaps it’s because the Democratic National Convention was on MSNBC, one of the most watched channels in existence, while the Dude Nation Conference, aside from being accessible through a Zoom invite link, was televised on CSPAN, the most boring channel in existence. Something is wrong with the system, and excessive playings of the Monster Mash could be the solution.

Tune in next week for the RNC -- no, not the Republican National Convention, the Rastafarian Nonconformist Colloquium.


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