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The Mustache

By Benji Elkins:

JEREMY: Man, what did I say? High school reunions suck.

HARDING: I’m having a good time.

JEREMY: Everyone here thinks they’re better than me. All the nerds became rich and the jocks are still hot. When I graduated I told myself I’d come back here and be someone.

HARDING: Don’t sweat it man. You are someone. You’re the head of a whole organization.

JEREMY: I’m NOT someone. And NO ONE here respects the Union of Men With Tiny Mustaches. It’s not fair.

TINA: Hey Jeremy.

JEREMY: Oh, oh, Tina, what’s up. Me and Harding were just talking about…. Uh….

HARDING: Getting laid.

JEREMY: Yeah, getting lai- wait what?

HARDING: With hookers.


HARDING: We pick them up by the KFC cause Jeremy likes them buttered up.

JEREMY: Harding, leave now….What did he even mean by that?

TINA: Well hey, I haven’t seen you in years.

JEREMY: Oh yeah, well.

TINA: Nice mustache too. Hey, aren’t you like a leader of that group? I always see you posting something on Facebook. You’re always mad about it, what was it…

JEREMY: Yes, I think I know what you’re talking about. Um, uh. The Union of Men with Tiny Mustaches.

TINA: What?

JEREMY: The- it’s a group of men trying to show that tiny mustaches are cool and natural. And that they don’t equal Hitler. Like an awareness support group.


JEREMY: Yeah, well when everyone sees the mustache just on the palette and they think Hitler. It's like they don't even see the man behind the mustache. And we’re just trying to raise awareness, and it’s wrong. It’s so wrong. Hitler did not invent that mustache, it’s been around for years, and it’s wrong to judge it! Like, did you even know they're actually called toothbrush mustaches? I bet you just call them Hitler mustaches! It's so wrong.

TINA: Well, what about like Charlie Chaplin. Like don’t you think people associate it with him too?

JEREMY: Well….

TINA: Like, don’t you ever think you’re fighting like a false battle? Like maybe you propped up these “toothbrush mustache” hating enemies in your head.

JEREMY: Well I wouldn’t–

TINA: Something to think about. See ya Jerm.

JEREMY: Jerm? Jerm...germ? Am I a…. Wait! Wait! Chaplin has the hat! It’s a real problem Tina! People associate the stache with Hitler! You need the hat to be seen as Chaplin! We’re marginalized without the hat!

GARRETT: Oh look boys, remember Jeremy from high school? Loser. Haha. Looks like he turned into Charlie Chaplin!

JEREMY: Chaplin?! Garrett you stupid jock! Chaplin?! It’s a Hitler mustache! For Christ’s sake it’s a….oh crap. What have I done?! What have I done?!


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