By Maddie Thompson
Sul Sul, Sims players! Welcome to the latest gameplay update for The Sims 4. In this update, our underpaid game developers have added several new interactions, careers, and more to the game to make your gaming experience just that much more immersive. To those new to the game, I wish you the best of experiences! And to players that have over a hundred hours, I urge you to get a life. Enjoy the updates, or not, we still make money regardless.
Players are no longer able to create Sims replicas of the people in their life they have vendettas against just to torture or kill them in various unsavory ways. Instead players will be encouraged to find a healthier way to move on with their plights, like therapy. Or yoga.
Players are no longer allowed to add external mods relating to content such as: drug abuse, gang violence, strip clubs, and other illegal activities. The real world is already filled with enough of this, you don’t need to go out of your way to add it to a virtual one, you freaks.
All LGBTQ Sims will have a gay awakening/realization while watching the Sims version of Pirates of the Caribbean. This event can not be avoided, no matter how heterosexual you think your Sim may be. How the Sim handles this realization is up to the player. Please refrain from too much self-projecting.
Sims with the artsy personality trait will have less positive social interactions in middle school and have a higher likelihood of being bullied. This change is meant to reflect the real world since you people just mod in the bad parts of real life anyways. You can self-project with this one, we all know that if you’re reading The Sims patch notes as an adult, you probably weren’t considered ‘cool’ in high school.
There is a very specific type of Sim that enjoys the band Imagine Dragons. This will often make the Sim largely unlikable to the general population.
Sims that have the finance trait will have less success in courting female Sims because, let's be honest, no one wants to be around them.
Sims going to university will have to pay off their student loans for the rest of their lives, this will affect their ability to buy a house and their fictional credit scores. But make sure they budget for The Sims 4 Expansion Pack, coming this summer for $69.99!
Players will have to prove their own personal responsibility before they can perform the “Create child” action. Some of you just can’t be trusted.
You are no longer able to have sex with the Grim Reaper. I can’t believe we have to say this. Weirdos.
Sims with above a million simoleons in yearly revenue can give to their children the nepotism trait. This gives those children a 99.9% success rate at getting into University and then getting a job at their fathers company.
There are now the options to follow the Social Media Influencer career path, which promotion actions consist of manipulating children into buying products they don’t need, monetizing other people’s problems for your own profit, and garnering a lack of general social skills that leave said Sim largely internet dependent. Just like a Sims player!
We are adding snakes. This is your problem now.
Sims with the basketball trait now have the option of getting very heated over the debate “Who’s the GOAT? LeBron or MJ?”
14. Sims can now have seasonal depression, in all honesty, this one is me projecting.