To Sleep or Not to Sleep: That is the Question

By Lee Kirschner

Hello there! You are currently beginning to read an extremely deep scientific study, a sentence all extremely deep scientific studies begin with (duh). All around the globe, teenagers are exploring the question: 

To sleep or not to sleep? 

As a teenager myself (although I, of course, have a PhD in sleep conspiracy theories), I can’t say I haven’t wondered this. The obvious answer might be: Sleep! Sleep is good for you. Sleep gives you energy. Blah blah blah. 

However, is this truly the answer? Think about it. If you didn’t sleep, you’d add, if you’re getting the number of hours commanded by various doctors, eight hours to your day. Eight hours is a long time! Think about it. You could go to school, do your homework, complete all other responsibilities, and still have extra time. 

Now, you may be wondering: how do I avoid sleep? Everyone’s telling me I need to get a certain amount of sleep per night to function both short-term and long-term. 

The simple answer is they’re lying to you. 

The complex answer is that sleep–and its level of “necessity”--is a hoax created by the government to coerce us into having less time, therefore being less productive, therefore not reaching our full potential. 

Proof? Nada. 

Truth? 100%. 

If you want to put this to the test, pull an all-nighter tonight. 

Er…I mean, ignore this article! It was a joke! Please! No, please don’t arrest me! I promise I’m innocent!