By Noa Garmaise:
1. You’re not official or exclusive yet with your significant other.
This one’s a bit iffy. Sure, you can do it, but I would recommend against it. Why rock the boat?
2. You’re greeting someone in a sexy southern European country such as Spain or Italy.
You’re beginning to walk a fine line. I don’t care if it’s a “cultural custom” or “a way of showing respect to somebody else’s heritage”— a kiss on the cheek to say hello is the first step of deviance. Best to avoid this one too.
3. You’re doing it as a joke or a prank.
Hilarious bit anyone with a sense of humour will appreciate. Consistently lands with the right crowd.
4. If the teenage lifeguard at the public pool is busy texting and you're the only one who sees the local war vet roll his wheelchair into the deep end.
You insist you’re the only one who sees the accident and knows CPR. How convenient! So fine. Do it. But don’t come crying to me when your relationship falls apart.
5. It’s your birthday or a special occasion such as a civic holiday.
Presidents’ Day only rolls around once a year.
6. Your partner has an identical (or fraternal) twin.
It’s a natural part of life to make mistakes, so please don’t sweat this one. It’s honestly so easy to get confused.
7. You’re a struggling actor living paycheck to paycheck and you finally get your big break, landing the role of romantic lead in a modest, but classic stage play. You sick fuck. I hope a steady income, becoming a household name, and realizing your childhood dream you never thought possible is worth destroying the trust that took years to build.
8. You cross your fingers while you do it.
Everyone knows nothing you say or do counts when your fingers are crossed.
9. You are invited to The Vatican in honour of the successful research you did that led to the eradication of childhood eczema and you must kiss the Pope’s ring when you receive the inconceivable honour of meeting him.
You’ll do anything just to get your rocks off, won’t you? It’s anything for the instant thrill with you perverts.
10. You and your fellow adulterer have compatible Zodiac signs.
What are you gonna do? The stars are aligned. You can’t control the stars.