By Tekle Skiles-Januta
1: Curbs
Just in case your time in a go-kart has misled you, a commercial vehicle does not respond to curbs the same way. As someone who has learned this the hard way, be warned.
2: Cyber Trucks
These nightmare truck-oids look fresh out of the Actor Bahn’s secret service. To prolong training the four horses of the technological singularity, steer clear of these cars.
3: School parking lots
Underclassmen: it is no news that seniors are awfully protective of their “babies” (scraped-up SUVs, tortured by the grueling Southern California streets). Avoid any awkward mama-bear encounters by parking around the block.
4: The dark
What’s worse than a scare from the friendly ghost under my bed? A scare while going 45 mph on a residential road. Horror movie haters, the road is a dangerous place at night—often more dangerous than the cave from The Descent, and just as plagued with quick, scary, demons (New Year’s resolution joggers).
5: Your local public school at ~3:30 PM
The only people who are more nerve-wracking to drive by than judging civilians are even more judgy teens. Especially those who have the opportunity to see you more than once in a given week. Steer clear of the angsty, unpredictable teens, and maybe, just maybe you’ll live to drive another day.
6: Inciting road rage
Being a chill driver is not for the faint of heart. Channel your inner Dominic Torreto to keep your calm in any dangerous situations and keep the lurking boomers at bay. If you happen to flip off any oncoming cars, the physical and mental damage on the way is almost entirely your fault—these older drivers just can’t control themselves on the streets. Clearly, they don’t understand that the driving family is everything.
7: NOT using a student driver bumper sticker
The best thing to do to let the old racers on the road of your current impairment is to show them. A student driver bumper sticker is your best bet. These are even useful when you aren’t a student driver—they’re the perfect thing to blame for your appalling skills on the road. If you find a sticker larger than 11x3 inches, bonus points on your driver's license.
8: Listening to Justin Bieber on the road
It’s going to be too late to say Sorry after the tasteful words of JB cloud the Intentions of your thought process. In addition, it will be nearly impossible to Love Yourself and not feel like a Monster to your Favorite Girl (mother) after you find out the amount of legal trouble that is Stuck With U.
9: All hills
Whether it’s going up or down, driving on a hill in a run-down Prius is nobody’s favorite game of Red Light, Green Light. To make this a less traumatizing experience, The Weeknd’s The Hills is the perfect amount of catchy and scratchy to keep you away from your hill-residing neighbors’ cars.
10: Left turns (unless you’re down unda’)
The previously people-pleasing nature of my turns was no match for my first left turn without a designated turn lane. The push-and-shove game of left turns leaves nothing to luck, and will leave you saying, in the wise words of Big Tom in season 8 of Survivor, “y tu Brute.”
11: Drive-throughs
If parallel parking is not your jam, drive-through windows are just slightly less vile. Pulling into the proper spot and closing the gap enough to reach out and grab your precious grub is much more difficult than anticipated, and will leave you saltier than In-N-Out french fries.
12: Driving with a parent in the car
Imagine driving in the dark, but the distraction is already in the car. No parent wants their child scarred and will have no problem permanently damaging their children’s eardrums to get the message across. No matter what, continue 10 mph under the speed limit, and always wear earplugs.
13: Pedestrians
No matter how tempting, don’t hit them!
14: Garbage trucks
What’s ten times bigger than a Cybertruck, smells like garbage, and is grey all over? A garbage truck!!! But, it will smell ten times as worse once the garbage makes its way into your car following an unfortunate crash.
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