By Sarah Parmet
If you are checking a bag:
1. Complain about how heavy your bag is.
2. Get really worried that because it’s so heavy, it must be over 50 pounds. Aggressively pick it up in order to weigh it, because your triceps can double as a scale.
3. Tell yourself it’s under 50 pounds even though you don’t really believe it.
4. Have intense visions of your bag ending up at a strange warehouse in Minnesota. Start picturing everything in your bag, and calculating how much money it would take to replace everything in said bag. Maybe it’ll end up in Tallahassee instead….
5. Realize how long this stupid line is, and make fun of the people who are in the Priority Line. Bonus points if you then start dissing capitalism/the economy/the government. Marx would be proud.
When going through security:
6. Eavesdrop on people in the security line. One piece of advice for everyone: can you PLEASE give context?! I’m getting invested in this whole divorce storyline, and I want to know why you hate your second ex-husband so much.
7. Experience the shame of your bag setting off the security alarms. I know this time it’s because I forgot to empty my water bottle, but I swear I’m cursed or something, because last year I set off the metal detector at least three times.
8. Get patted down in front of everyone because you set off the metal detector. Do I look like I’m carrying knives under my Brandy Melville top?
9. Get flagged for a “random phone check” twice in a row. If you’re anything like me, you’ll probably make a joke about your “inappropriate search history” while they’re checking it. There’s a 58% chance that this will annoy them if this takes place before 8 am.
10. To avoid security’s general shenanigans (I’m not revealing the dogs to the entirety of LAX, sorry) get TSA Pre-Check instead.
11. Walk through the TSA Pre-Check line and make fun of everyone who doesn’t have TSA-Pre Check.
12. When you’re on the escalator, spend some time with your intrusive thoughts. When going up: “What would happen if I pushed the person in front of me?” “What would happen if I fell backwards?” When going down: “What would happen if I pushed the person in front of me?” “What would happen if I fell forwards?”
Once you make it:
13. Check your boarding time on your phone.
14. Check it again because you think you read it wrong.
15. Check it again because you think you read it wrong the second time.
16. Go to the designer skincare and makeup area. A lot of them have free perfume samples. Make sure no one is watching, then spray to your content. Today I tried the Hermes sample, and the Polo Red Ralph Lauren Cologne (this one was good). Yeah. I know it’s technically “for men”, whatever that means these days.
17. Pretend to purchase alcohol. You will get bombastically side-eyed when picking up the bottle of cherry-red flavored whiskey, and if you don’t know what that means, you’re definitely old enough to buy it.
18. Feel really insecure about getting bombastically side-eyed at the whiskey store, and go to the smoke shop instead! (I don’t know how this makes it better). Unfortunately, you still look underage. I mean, you are underage, but we’re missing the point.
19. Realize you need to choose something more age appropriate, like the children’s playzone. Which is, very suspiciously, right next to the smoke shop. They knew what they were doing. Unfortunately, you don’t make the height limit (42 inches), so you’re not allowed to play on the slide with the two year old's.
20. Brood. Just brood over how unfair this situation is. You can’t play in the play zone, and you can’t smoke a cigar. And there’s still 38 minutes until your stupid flight boards.
21. Realize it’s a Saturday, which means your piece for the Milking Cat is due, of which you have written none. Panic for 10 minutes, then started typing as fast as possible, not really caring if what comes out is grammatically correct or not because now there’s 28 minutes until boarding.
No guys, I'm serious. I literally wrote this today. And yes, my flight to Los Angeles boards in 3 minutes.