By Suhan Kacholia:
School Bullies Struggle To Adapt to Online School
The transition to virtual schooling has been difficult for most students, but for local bully Bret Chase, it was devastating.
“I was robbed of my only source of joy- the torment of my fellow classmates. I’ve tried to transition to an online format, but it’s just not the same, man,” said Chase.
In addition to losing his primary pastime, Chase lost his only source of income, becoming another casualty of the economic effects of the pandemic. “I used to rely on extorting Jeremy for his lunch money to make ends meet, but now that’s gone too. I even set up a GoFundMe, but for some reason, my former victims seem reluctant to donate to my cause. Where has this country’s compassion gone?”
Other bullies echoed Chase’s thoughts. “I used to taunt people to meet me behind the school to beat them up, but now I’m reduced to asking them to join my Zoom room. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is?” said Chad Bryan, on the verge of tears.
Other bullies, however, thrived in the transition to virtual school, quitting their former occupations and rushing into the role of the “cyberbully”. Even they, however, are struggling during these difficult times. “The market’s too saturated- everyone cyberbullies each other these days. Just look at Twitter. And besides, people have just stopped caring. When the world is ending and you’re fighting for social justice, you just don’t have time to respond to old-fashioned messages calling you ‘ugly’ or ‘dumb’, I guess,” one such cyberbully lamented.
However, as schools begin to reopen, bullies are awarded a glimpse of hope. “Things will definitely look different, and we’ll have to stop some of our more unsanitary activities- wet willies are gonna have to go but we’re glad to be back in business and excited to terrorize the school for another year!” said Miles Smith, known sociopath at Midtown High.
Smith listed some of the modified bullying techniques he and his friends had developed to ensure student safety. “We’re gonna do spitballs but using hand sanitizer instead of spit. Beat up the kids that refuse to wear a mask. Throw textbooks at nerds from a safe distance of 6 feet. Things may be different, but life has to go on, you know?”
Students Petition for Additional Weekdays
A group of high-achieving students have petitioned the U.S. government to introduce a law to add additional days to the week, stating that the current calendar does not give them enough time to participate in all their activities.
“It’s simply impossible for me to fit violin lessons on Monday, National Honor Society meetings on Tuesday, tennis classes on Wednesday, Debate Club on Thursday, volunteering at a local soup kitchen on Friday, and still have time to study for the 11 AP exams I am taking this year. If we just had a few extra weekdays, this wouldn’t be a problem,” said Clara Lee, a high school freshman.
An unlikely coalition of teachers and slackers have voiced opposition to the idea.
Joyce Brown, a high school teacher, stated, “I have to see these kiss-ass, suck-up, teacher’s pets for five days a week, and that’s already too much. If I had to see them anymore, I’d go back to teaching elementary. First graders wouldn’t beg me for a letter of recommendation for the fourth internship they’re applying to this semester or try to get extra credit for getting me a present on my birthday.”
Meanwhile, Kyle Bradley, a noted slacker, simply said that he would just “ditch even more” if this policy was enacted. After giving this statement, he proceeded to blow a cloud of vape into the face of the journalist who was conducting the interview and skateboarded away.
While the number of high-achieving students in the nation is small, they have, rather impressively, already organized a national movement to build support for their proposed policy.
Grant Jones, a high school junior and the head of Resume the Progressive Augmentation of Days (ResumePAD), a group dedicated to advocating for the cause, stated, “It was no problem at all getting people to join our organization. A lot of them just joined because they needed to fill up another space on their Common App. We’re okay with that. After all, the only reason I founded this group was because I needed a leadership position. Plus, political advocacy looks great if you want to signal to colleges that you care about things.”
It is unclear whether Congress will allow this measure to pass, as many members have stated that while they would “enjoy making the American people suffer even more,” they would also have to work more and potentially even do their job if there were more weekdays, a prospect they “vehemently oppose.”
Hell HQ2
Hell has announced plans to expand, commencing a nationwide search for possible locations for a second headquarters. “Based on the recent dramatic worldwide growth in the numbers of sinners, we want to expand to help alleviate the overcrowding issues we’ve been having lately and ensure our facilities can continue to provide the highest quality suffering for our consumers,” said Satan, Hell’s CEO.
Cities all across the nation are scrambling to market themselves as being an ideal location for the second headquarters, not wanting to let such an incredible investment opportunity pass.
“The construction of a Hell campus would doubtlessly bring thousands of jobs to any city. We would need a lot of new demons to staff our new branch, after all. Additionally, we believe having a Hell location could help cities bolster their nightlife and entertainment amenities, as everyone knows that all the fun people go to Hell,” said Lucy Fehr, Hell’s official spokesperson.
She also mentioned that Hell has already made a list of cities that they’re taking into “serious consideration” for their new location. “Top of the list right now is Phoenix, Arizona. We think the climate would be suitable, as its remarkably similar to what actual Hell is like. Although of course, global warming is helping us out by quickly making that a reality for the whole planet. Additionally, the lack of absolutely anything fun to do in the city provides an ideal environment for torture. We’re thinking that Ohio might be a slightly better choice in that regard, though,” she said.
Washington, D.C and Florida were also mentioned as potential candidates. “Washington would be a great place for us to hire new demons, with so much sociopathic talent residing there, and Florida is where a large portion of our clientele resides, as nearly everyone from there ends up in Hell.”
She also stated that the new campus would be be equipped with modern, state-of-the-art equipment to torture sinners. “Gone are the days of stabbing people in the eyes with hot irons, or having slime-covered worms eat their insides- we’re experimenting with a new, innovative, and cost-effective approach to torture. Now we’re just having them relive the year 2020. Some early research subjects have actually indicated that they prefer the older method.”
*Note: This piece was awarded an Honorable Mention in the 2020 Milking Cat Summer Comedy Competition*