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Top Secret Information from China's Spy Balloon

By S. Seton

I thought Xi Jinping was wishing me a happy birthday with that big balloon, but apparently, U.S. officials have identified the balloon as a part of China’s spy balloon program. What an awesome birthday gift! No man has ever given me a gift that poses a threat to national security.

In the name of sharing and caring, here is some TOP SECRET intel that the balloon collected:

- America is a whole lot of nothing. If China randomly tossed a missile over the ocean, more corn

stalks would suffer casualties than humans, excluding that one Mormon family hiding from the


- The U.S. military is more gay than they thought.

- American families park their cars on the driveway. Garages are just for American families’

useless shit like their dusty boxes of gardening tools, old CDs, evidence of tax evasion, capital

rioting gear, rifles, that dead body...

- Poor urban planning (the shortcomings of those capitalist pigs)

- A lack of gulags in the icy mountainous regions (American prisons are so posh)

Xi Jinping gave that balloon the best blow job he’s given in a while...


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