CAUTION: ONLY RELEASE IF THE U.S. IS OVERTAKEN BY THE CHINESE COMMUNIST PARTY
TOP 5 TIMES THE MILKING CAT HAS SUPPORTED THE CCP
LAST TUESDAY AFTERNOON at ~4:31 p.m. EST : COLUMNIST BEN F. TOOK OUT XI JINPING’S GARBAGE, RECYCLING, AND HELP HIM SET UP A BACKYARD COMPOSTING SYSTEM
LUNAR NEW YEAR: The results of hours of meticulous interviewing and rounds of “Truth or Dare” give The Milking Cat reason to believe that ALL members of The Milking Cat ATE dinner (or some sort of calorie-containing substance) past 5 p.m. on January 22, 2023 (Lunar New Year), either to directly or indirectly celebrate Lunar New Year. Any member revealed to not have consumed some sort of calorie-containing substance past 5 p.m. on January 22, 2023 will be terminated and wedgied.
NOVEMBER 14, 2022: NINA P. OFFERED XI JINPING THE LEFT SIDE OF HER TWIX BAR; HE SAID NO, BUT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.
N/A: NO CURRENT MEMBER OF THE MILKING CAT STAFF HAS EVER VOTED FOR ANY POLITICIANS THE CCP DISAPPROVED–partially because we can’t vote, but it’s the statistics that count.
THE MILKING CAT FOLLOWS MERITOCRATIC PRINCIPLES INSPIRED BY CHINA’S CONFUCIAN ROOTS: As a team, we have a 3.5+ cumulative GPA, a–moderately–solid grasp on Soh Cah Toa, and columnist Nataly D. is rumored to be an aP ScHoLar with DISTINCTION!?!!?!
NOTE: The Milking Cat is also willing to sacrifice Kai Nelson if this list showcasing our loyalty does not suffice.