A Correspondence Between Neighbors

By Amelia Ell


Dear Neighbors,

Welcome to the community! We left a gift basket on your front porch to help you settle in. Let us know if you have any questions about garbage collection or newspaper delivery. (Our son is the paperboy for this route!)

Your easy-going neighbors.

P.S. Sorry about the little surprise the nieghborhood cat left on your doorstep. His habits take a little getting used to.


Dear Neighbors,

Thank you for everything! On the website, we found that our schedule is as follows: garbage and paper recycling on Thursdays, and plastic recycling every other Tuesday. We will assume recommended exorcism dates correspond with compost and yard waste collection.

We appreciated the gift of the decorative dead bird! It makes a beautiful centerpiece for our Autumn wreath. As for the cat’s donation, he certainly has an interesting fascination with flowers and bread biscuits. One would think he was a squirrel!

Sincerely,

Count J. Augustine

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Dear Neighbors,

We love the festivity over at your house! Respectfully, we would like to ask if you could dim your Christmas display after 8:00 p.m. The wax Grinch tableau and true-to-life nativity diorama are a little distracting for the kids at night.

Your affectionate neighbors.

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Dear Neighbors,

We’ll be off on an Australian clifftop skydiving tour next week. Could you take in our mail on Thursday? We’ll be expecting a DIY corpse anointment kit to be delivered. If they ask for a signature, please sign DJ Auggie.

Sincerely,

Count J. Augustine

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Dear Neighbors,

Not sure if you’re aware, but at around 1:45 a.m. every night, a muffled call of distress sounds like it’s coming from your property.

Your unconcerned neighbors.


Dear Neighbors,

Thank you for notifying us about the noise. We’ve handled it. It was the pipes.

Sincerely,

Count J. Augustine

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Dear Neighbors,

Just to let you know, the wind has blown over some sheep gizzards onto our lawn from your sacrificial altar. We left them in your mailbox—they were clashing with our orange poinsettias.

Your supportive neighbors.


Dear Neighbors,

I apologize for the misunderstanding! We were actually summoning a daemon on our shared property; however we were only able to conjure the small phantom that now occupies your german shepherd.

Thanks again for the gizzards,

Count J. Augustine

P.S. Your poinsettias look lovely.

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Dear Neighborhood Association,

All community members are invited to participate in the neighborhood potluck on March 29th. As a friendly reminder, due to previous complications, please be sure to keep your dishes free of peanuts, tree nuts, and disembodied goat appendages. :)

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Dear Neighbors,

We noticed you held a charity garage sale last week. Sorry to have missed it, but today we came across some old things in the attic. Would you still like for us to contribute a few items?

Sincerely, Count J. Augustine


Dear Neighbors,

No thank you.