By Benjamin Epstein
1883- Nikola Tesla invents film, but he mostly uses it to take videos of sandwiches.
1884-The first porn film is made.
1889- That film with a train in it comes out.
1891- The first film with a story in it “By The River” comes out. It’s directed by Mark Twain and is about a man trying to get a crayfish out of his pants.
1895- Practical effects are used in a film for the first time with “The Kidney Stones of Mary, Queen of Scots.” However, no one knows what the first practical effect actually was because a lion ate every copy of this movie. That Lion was the MGM lion.
1898- Hitchcock emerges from his mothers womb, and the sheer power of his creative brilliance causes film quality to jump up by 3 points.
1903- That film where the rocket ship flies into the moon is made.
1908- Hollywood is created by Steve Hollywood, who started the practice of having women in film. Before then, films didn’t have women in it because directors thought that audiences wouldn’t be able to handle seeing a woman on screen.
1914- The first feature film- “The Adventures of The Kelly Gang” is made. It’s a post-apocalyptic drama about a world where everybody not named Kelly dies. Unfortunately, this film no longer exists as every copy of it was eaten by Queen Victoria.
1916- The brilliant innovator D.W Griffith makes the first movie that’s bad.
1920- Charlie Chaplin invents the use of drawing directly on film strips to make his abs look bigger in “The Very Sexy Wrestler”.
1927- The first sound film “AAAAAAA” comes out. It’s just a man screaming for an hour.
1928- The Oscars are held for the first time. Every single award is given to a breed of mind controlling parasites.
1931- “Broadway Melody” becomes the first musical. Unfortunately, music would not be invented for another 30 years by Jimi Hendrix, so this musical just has people screaming while dancing.
1934- The first film in color is made. That color was blue.
1938- The first animated film is made. It’s about a cheesecake that is allergic to cheese, thereby making it allergic to itself. It lives a cursed existence of constantly sneezing. It begs to be eaten, but no one wants to eat a sneezing cheese cake.
1949- Due to the invention of TV, everyone stops making movies for two years.
1954- The first film to use 3-D comes out. It’s called “The Man Who Threw Sharks At Everyone”. In order to achieve the effect of 3-D, the man running the projector would throw sharks at the audience.
1956- Competition with 3-D comes in the form of “Smell-o Vision”. The first movie to utilize it is “Three Hours of Jimmy Stewart eating very smelly cheese.” It would later be sued by Jimmy Stewart, who was not in it (the film also wasn’t three hours either).
1960- “Psycho” becomes the first film with violence in it. In order to achieve this, Alfred Hitchcock had to invent violence. He did this by murdering someone.
1965- Cameras moving in films is invented by Stanley Kubrick after he took so many takes that even the cameras walked out.
1973- The first film with CGI is made. This film was Westworld, where CGI was made to represent horses. That’s because horses didn’t exist for a brief period between 1971 and 1976.
1978- Martian Scorcese invents Italians for the film “Mean Streets”
1988- “Reservoir Dogs” is the first film to use profanity in it. Before this, it was illegal to have profanity in films, because the elites didn’t want the poor masses to know about swears. However, Tarantino hated the elites, and so he gave the gift of profanity to the masses. This ended racism.
1991- “Pulp Fiction” is the first film to have death in it. Before this, it was illegal to have death in films, because the elites didn’t want the poor masses to know about mortality. However, Tarantino hated the elites, and so he gave the gift of mortality to the masses. This ended sexism.
1993- The first film to use CGI well is Stephen Spielberg's masterpiece “Jurassic Park”, which uses CGI to bring life to that wondrous creature known as Jeff Goldblum. You see, Jeff Goldblum had morphed into a hideous fly creature halfway through filming, so they used CGI to replace him.
1995- The first film to be made entirely in CGI is “Tom Hanks eats a cheesecake for three hours.” It was sued by Tom Hanks because he wasn’t in it (it was also much longer than three hours).
2027- The last film is made. It’s not anything special.