By Benji Elkins:
Dear President Trump,
Every summer my family and I take a vacation to the beach. We rent a house down there and I’ve spent nearly all my summers eating ice cream, collecting sea shells, reading books, performing feats of strength, fishing, supporting small businesses, and building sand castles by the Atlantic Ocean. Looking back on my childhood I was very lucky to be able to experience what I did. The ability to have wonderful summer fun is something I do understand that not every man, woman, and child has the access to.
I would also like to note that I have been to many beaches around the world. Some in my circle have even called me things like a “beach expert”, or even “unbearable.” In my eyes, all beaches are equal, and no matter where I am, I can still enjoy the sun, the sand, and the sky. However, what I have noticed exists at every beach I’ve been to, and that I utterly despise, is the ocean itself. With your help Mr. President, I implore you to end the ocean.
The water is a dangerous place, and every time you enter it is the same. You step in, enjoy the water for the briefest moment, then get salt in your eyes. I weep desperately as I compose this letter as I am overtaken by the uncomfortable memory of sodium chloride penetrating my ocular cavities. As I sit here bawling, I pray to never have salt water in my eyes again. It doesn't matter where you are in the world or what type of sand is below you, if the water is salt water, Satan himself has encroached upon your fun times.
If it should please you, I would now like to present my three-pronged argument on why you should back my proposal to ban salt water.
One: It hurts. Never, in my entire life, ever, have I ever enjoyed drinking ocean water.
Point two: It’s useless. ocean water does nothing for us. It is undrinkable and completely redundant. The rain gives us an unlimited supply of freshwater, and, frankly, sitting around playing in yucky saltwater seems a bit ungrateful.
And the final third point: ocean water is nasty. Ocean water is full of human waste. We don’t go hiking just to wallow in puddles of bear piss, sir. Now, I pee in the ocean all the time, and Mr. President, I know you do too. Although I can see the benefit of having a free communal bathroom throughout the world, the ocean is akin to the bathroom in my local Applebee’s; It is poorly lit and vastly unexplored.
If we are going to keep the Pacific, Atlantic, and any other oceans throughout the world, I at least hope we can hire some sort of marine janitor to keep it clean. However, I know that this is an unrealistic request, and so I default to my original claim.
President Trump, we must end our oceans. I pray that you will heed my call for action and change. We must fight our biggest and most local foe, a foe that surrounds our borders continuously. I have started my own hotline at 1-800-END-SALT (I couldn’t fit the word water into the phone number so usually I say water afterwards. It’s kinda like, I tell someone, “call 1-800-END-SALT-water but don’t dial the water.” If you promote my organization's number I would humbly ask you do the same for clarity. Make sure they don’t dial the water part!), it is also known at the Stop Salt Water (SSW) Initiative. I hope that at your next cabinet meeting or whatever you big boys are up to these days, you will address my concerns.
I will forever be a loyal American, a fellow man, and a humble human. Please, for the love of humanity, end the madness and end the ocean.