By Benji Elkins:
Dear President Trump,
I am sorry that you have not answered my previous inquiries. Everyday I gleefully check my mailbox, like a kid waiting for his grandparents inheritance money, and everyday I am met with disappointment. I am disappointed in your lack of initiative in ending our seas. In fact even writing this letter makes me mad. To know that my own president does not care for banning our most dangerous threat, the awful, horrendous, blasphemous, ungodly, horrible, audacious, pretentious, greedy, gluttonous, salty, and impure ocean waters, my blood simply boils. But alas, I digress.
Mr. President, I ask you once more now for a different crusade, a different charge of justice to be brought amongst my country, to save our American peoples. President Trump, I ask you to reinstate the ban of witchcraft.
Witchcraft is a plaguing malady against our nation. Everyday, thousands of American men, women, and children are vexed, hexed, and turned into various animals daily. This must be stopped. The days of wand waving and hocus pocus spouting witches should be no more. I beg you President Trump, protect our people, our children.
Throughout the past few months, I have slowly become a witch (and warlock mind you) expert, studying on how to properly remove them from our country. My friends have called me genius, insatiable, brilliant, and grossly annoying in relation to my witch hunting pursuits, traits I hope that you can take pride in. In my studies I have found three foolproof methods on how to dispose of the witches in our country.
Everyone knows the ancient method of Witch hunting of throwing suspects into the river, seeing if a guilty witch floats or an innocent one sinks. However, that practice is simply too medieval for our modern and progressive society. Therefore I propose the first step to finding out whether a witch is a witch, is through waterboarding. Known as the refined man’s drowning, waterboarding will be a great new way to test whether someone is a witch while staying relevant, stylish, and effective.
We all know that evil spirits are repulsed by Garlic and therefore Italians. Although the stereotype is more common in Vampires (who we all know to be fictional) I have found indisputable evidence the method can be applied to witches and warlocks as well. I therefore suggest we just send our suspected witches to go live in South Jersey.
Three: Burning at the stake
A timeless classic, nothing gets the job done much like burning a witch at the stake. It simply cannot be beat. And what a sight. I can only imagine it. Wow.
Currently President Trump, our laws protect Witches and Warlocks of the like. Therefore I ask of you to pass the END Act (Ending Nefarious Deities) when it is proposed in Congress this summer. We have made a grave mistake in letting witches go unchecked for this long, and it is time we put them back in their place. Please Mr. President, make our country a safer place (except for witches of course.)