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A Milking Cat Thanksgiving

By Noah Stern:

Ah, Thanksgiving. The one time of the year where everyone in the family gathers together to enjoy each other’s company, watch some football, and, of course, eat some amazing food. Here at the Milking Cat, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, we would like to take a look at some of the best family gatherings that are going to take place this Thursday in this article that will be continually updated throughout the week.

The Sanders Family

One of America’s favorite families, The Sanderses(?) have been eating together since Colonel invented cooked turkey in 1954. Deion and Barry always love talking football and watching Barry’s Lions play. It’s all lighthearted until Deion reminds Barry that he never won a playoff game, retired prematurely, and was recently dropped to fourth place on the all-time rushing list by Frank Gore.

Bernie and Sarah Huckabee have very little common ground politically and are constantly forced to be separated when Bernie gets too worked up and starts coughing into the same crumpled up napkin he took from last Thanksgiving.

The Lee Family

The Lees are a very interesting group. Obviously, there is something to be said about Spike being the only living member, but it wouldn’t be doing the Lee family Thanksgiving justice if we didn’t talk about the elephant in the room. Family member Robert E. is not very well-liked on account of the fact that he was commander of the Confederate States Army and is always sure to cause a commotion during the meal. Spike has to restrain himself from physically assaulting Robert E. almost all night. Of course, this uneasiness typically ruins the holiday spirit and carries over to Bruce and Stan, who are just trying to enjoy themselves. No matter how many times Robert E. tries to assure Spike that he was not a major supporter of slavery, just a passionate supporter of states’ rights, Spike doesn’t really want to hear it.

The Johnson Family

You’re always in for a good time at the Johnson Thanksgiving. Magic and Lyndon B. are obviously the troublemakers of the bunch; Magic loves to bounce his basketball inside the house and Lyndon B. gets a kick out of escalating conflict in Southeast Asia without congressional approval. If you sit down next to Gary, get ready to hear the story of his failed 2016 presidential bid and that time he faked a heart attack on CNN to show that he smokes marijuana. Dwayne, of course, gets along with everyone but he always leaves after the meal to consume his remaining 4,500 daily calories. Finally, if you’re lucky, you can catch a glimpse of Boris this year as he tries to escape the party with or without a withdrawal agreement.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember to check back in on this post throughout the week to see even more families added to the Milking Cat Thanksgiving list!


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