By Sarah Parmet
Varsity Boys Water Polo: Tan skin, bleached hair, slightly out of it. They always have this vacant look in their eyes— I think it’s the chlorine sinking into their brains. My school also had to build the swimming pool right next to the buses, and man, is it awkward to make eye contact with the kid in your English class when they’re wearing the tightest speedo known to mankind.
Varsity Girls Volleyball:. Considering the fact that the 6 '1 Senior girl kicked me off my lunch table while I was using the bathroom and put my laptop on the floor, I don’t really have the best impression of this team.
Varsity Boys Basketball: Would making a tall joke here be offensive? I have an excuse — the shortest guy is 6’1. Not much to say about them, but they did win the Open Division State Championships this year. Not bad.
Varsity Spirit Squad: Wait, so is this the cheer team or dance team? (We’re the dance team!!!!)
Varsity Baseball/Lacrosse: I had to group these two together because there’s a common joke at my school that if there’s an annoying kid in your dean group, they either play baseball or lacrosse.
Varsity Football: I don’t have anything bad to say about the kids, but are the coaches actively trying to induce CTE in them? Like, I don’t think repeatedly hitting children’s helmets as hard as you can is a sign of “affection” or whatever.
Fencing: Numerous studies have shown that being able to stab people properly is an indicator of high intelligence. The Asian parents at our school took this and ran with it. Chances are, if you’re a fencer, you’re a) an overachiever, b) a choir kid, and/or c) might have murderous intent.
Varsity Field Hockey: These girls can kick your ass but are too nice to kick your ass (but they’ll beat you over the head with the stick thing instead).
Girls Wrestling: These girls can kick your ass and will kick your ass.
JV Girls Golf: When my best friend read this, the first thing she asked was “where’s golf” so I
felt like I had to add this in.
Swimming: I think the chlorine has an opposite effect on their brains as the water polo team’s brains. These are some of the smartest kids you’ll ever meet.
“Swimming”: Morgan, you’ve skipped practice for 3 months now. You don't play a sport.
Robotics: I think half the reason this became a sport is because of the kid who got severe aluminum poisoning. But good for them. Besides, I’m friends with half the team so if I say anything bad about it, they’ll come after me with flying robots.
Musical Theater: I’m sorry. They made me.