By Sarah Parmet
Hello! Today we’re going to be playing a game called “Would I Survive These Fairytales”. Rules are simple. I pick a character from a fairytale. Then I describe how I (in the 21st century) would act, and we see if I succeed or fail. Succeed=relatively happy life. Fail= sad life (and usually death).
Hansel and Gretel:
Option 1: Me as Hansel
Everyday, the witch puts Chick Fil-A and Burger King in the cage to feed me. I don’t eat the Chick Fil-A because they’re anti-LGBTQ+ and I’m bisexual, and I don’t eat the Burger King because I dislike cheeseburgers (she forgot that I don’t eat dairy). She finally catches on, and gets me Chipotle instead. This doesn’t work either because I have a fast metabolism. Also, the only thing I can do to kill the boredom is work out (she threw a drumstick at me when I started singing Anaconda by Nicki Minaj). Every day, I do 100 jumping jacks, an hour of pilates, 50 pushups, 50 sit ups, and 20 pull ups using the top of the cage. I don’t gain weight, the witch is hungry, and the story proceeds as normal. Success!
Option 2: Me as Gretel
According to the Wikipedia page, I’m supposed to be the witch’s slave or something. As this is post-industrial revolution, I form a one-person workers’ union to protest the unfair treatment. I take the issue to court, and the witch is sued due to child labor laws. Also, it’s Pride Month, so it technically counts as an anti-LGBTQ crime. I win the lawsuit and become an activist. Success!
Option 3: Me as the Witch I would’ve just called CPS if I saw two starving children eating my house but that’s not for everyone. I mean, no one died in this one...success?
Sleeping Beauty:
Option 1: Me as Aurora Maleficent tries to lure me away to the spindle while I’m going live on Insta to celebrate my 16th birthday, so I decline. She tries again, and I get really mad at her for overstepping boundaries. She tries to drag me there herself, so I spray my rose scented perfume in her face. She ends up having a severe allergic reaction, teleports to the hospital, and gets caught. One of the castle guards was filming, and the entire thing goes viral on social media. I realize that rose-scented perfume is my calling, so I launch my own line and become an entrepreneur. Success!
Option 2: Me as Prince Phillip I go rescue Aurora, and I’m supposed to throw the sword into Maleficent the Dragon’s heart. Funny story is I had problems in PE class because I couldn’t properly throw a ball. I don’t think a sword is easier to throw than a ball. I miss her heart, and the sword lands in the ground. Maleficent the Dragon gets really mad, and breathes fire on me. I am charred to a crisp. I never wake Aurora, so the kingdom sleeps for like, a really long time. They eventually became one of the Seven Wonders of the World, and France has even better tourism revenue. Fail (for me, not France).
Option 3: Me as Maleficent I’m a bad person so I condemn some baby to death by age 16 for...existing. Merryweather is supposed to lighten the curse. But, before she can use her magic, I punch her in the face because I’m really insecure that her makeup is better than mine. The King and Queen give me their therapist’s number. I start seeing the therapist to unpack all my emotional baggage. I also learn how to do my makeup so it’ll look better than Merryweather’s. One night, I get really drunk and call the queen, and we have a little heart to heart (she’s also drunk). I confess to her I didn’t actually want to kill Aurora, and this breaks the curse. After that, the King and Queen invite me to every single one of Aurora’s birthday parties. Success!
Snow White: Option 1: Me as Snow White The huntsman decides not to kill me, and tells me to run into the woods. I end up stumbling upon the cottage, and assume it's a Holiday Inn with really bad reviews. I take the unlocked door as an open invitation, settle down on the couch, and order Sweetgreen. The dwarves come back, and since I didn’t clean the house or cook them a meal, they call the police. I am arrested for trespassing, and don't get to finish my Sweetgreen. Since he can’t get me out of jail, the huntsman turns the Evil Queen into the police for her murder scheme (an eye for an eye, am I right?). We end up in the same jail, and a giant prison fight ensues to see who’s the true alpha. I end up winning (the Evil Queen has a bad knee). One day at lunch, while I’m using the bathroom, she switches the apple on my plate for a poison apple she smuggled in. I eat it and the ambulance doesn’t arrive in time. Fail.
Option 2: Me as the Evil Queen
I ask my Magic Mirror who the fairest of them all is, and the answer is always the same: Kim Kardashian. I decide to channel all my energy into looking like Kim Kardashian. After countless surgeries, juice cleanses, and glute workouts, I ask the mirror who the fairest of them all is. The mirror says it's a tie between me and Kim K. Meanwhile, I have attracted lots of attention for being part of the monarchy and a Kim K lookalike. I star in a reality TV Show, and my Instagram account even gets the little blue checkmark next to it. The mirror says I’m not the fairest, but I’m rich and famous, and tells me to stop being so hard on myself. I agree. Success! Snow White? What Snow White?