By Noah Stern:
Ah, Thanksgiving. The one time of the year where families all over the country used to come together to catch up, watch football, and eat some amazing food. For the purposes of this article, let’s pretend like that’s still going to happen this year. Long-time readers may recall a similar Thanksgiving article last year, and we had too many good new ideas to abandon the format. Now, let’s take a look at some of the most interesting family gatherings that will take place this Thursday.
The Jackson Family
INT. SAMUEL L. JACKSON’S CAR 3:30 PM.
The car is on its way to the JACKSON family Thanksgiving. Inside are SAMUEL L., MICHAEL, LAMAR, and RANDY JACKSON
LAMAR
Sam, do I really have to come to this? I have to play the Steelers in like two days.
SAMUEL L.
Yes mothaf***a, I told Uncle Andrew that you’d be there! Now when we get there-
MICHAEL interrupts the conversation with a “SHAMONE!”
SAMUEL L.
What is it mothaf***a?
MICHAEL
Man I just hate Uncle Andrew’s! He always has something really off-putting to say to us.
LAMAR
Yeah, he makes that lame turkey joke every year!
RANDY
You think you have it bad dawg? You guys always make me sit next to Stonewall. I have nothing to say to that guy! He’s always muttering to me about how Robert E. Lee bungled Gettysburg.
The car pulls up to ANDREW’s house and its passengers approach the front door. SAMUEL L. knocks.
ANDREW and STONEWALL answer the door together.
ANDREW
Hey everyone! Welcome, come in, come in. Samuel, you look great! Michael, I actually just took your baby pictures “Off the Wall,” hope you don’t mind!
MICHAEL forces a “Hee-Hee.”
ANDREW
Lamar, I know you can’t stay long but I just wanted to tell you how happy I was to see you beat the Reds…I mean Washington Football Team! Can’t believe they changed it, doesn’t anyone have any respect for natives anymore?
SAMUEL L. and LAMAR look at each other in disbelief. STONEWALL takes RANDY’S coat. He can be heard saying “now the problem with Pickett’s charge…”
ANDREW gestures to the table, where there is a picture of Henry Clay next to the turkey.
ANDREW
Don’t you guys love the turkey at the center of the table? Oh yeah and that cooked bird next to him looks great too!
The Jones Family
EXT. AT THE JONES FAMILY TURKEY BOWL
INDIANA and LESLIE are kicking off to JON and ALEX. JERRY is watching the game from an upper balcony, JAMES EARL and NORAH are sitting on the side.
ALEX catches the football and barrels towards INDIANA, screaming “I will not fail you Mr. Trump”
But wait, INDIANA has replaced himself with a large Harrison-Ford-shaped rock! ALEX hits it and falls over.
JON
Come on, Alex! You couldn’t tell it was a rock?
ALEX
Jon can’t you see? This is one of the deep state’s many tricks.
JAMES EARL
Jerry, are you sure you can’t find any more relatives to play in this game?
JERRY
(flipping through records of local prison) Jacobs...Johnson...Ah, Jones! Here we go.
NORAH
(In C#) Jerry, what are you doing?
JERRY
What do you mean? This is always how I find players.
Back on the field, ALEX and LESLIE are just fully in a fist fight. LESLIE is winning. JON and INDIANA are tossing the pigskin around.
JON
So yeah I’m pretty sure I’m gonna move up to heavyweight. I think I could beat Stipe or even potentially Ngannou.
INDIANA
You know, one time I survived a nuclear bomb by locking myself inside a refrigerator.
JON
Bro what
NORAH
(In B♭ diminished 7th) I “Don’t Know Why” every Thanksgiving ends this way! (winks at camera)