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A Non-Sports Fans Guide to NFL Teams

Maddie Thompson


Football season, the season of both the foot and ball is at its climax of the season. Both the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers are going to the Super Bowl, and I will tune in periodically to watch the halftime show and catch glimpses of Taylor Swift, and then turn off the TV immediately after. As someone who has never been a huge fan of the sport, American football still eludes me. It sounds fantastic in theory: People tackling each other? A little pigskin ball? Huge body armor with helmets? It’s something you would read in a ‘Top ten things you wouldn’t believe the medieval English did’, Buzzfeed article. Now that’s something more up my alley. But alas, despite my many tries, I have never been able to sit through a full game of football. Something with the way it moves so slowly or the fact that there are just too many damn people on the field at once repels me from the game. Which leads to my original grievance, I have no idea who I should be rooting for. I could go with the safe option, my home state's team, but in all honesty, I really don’t like my home state that much. I could go with whoever’s won this year, but then I look like a bandwagoner. It’s a never-ending paradox.

If you relate to my predicament, I have compiled a highly objective, journalistically unbiased archive of information about each individual team in the NFL, and what makes them notable, hopefully to be used as a guide for this next football season, when someone eventually asks you what team you're rooting for. Good luck my fellow losers, Godspeed.


CHICAGO BEARS

Hey! It's the team from that one SNL sketch! 


SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

I appreciate the alliteration in the name, but it did take me an embarrassingly long time to realize a sea hawk is, in fact, a real bird, and not something made up to be a mascot. Bonus points for when they wear those ugly neon green uniforms, I appreciate the clarity in who’s on which team during the game. 


GREEN BAY PACKERS

I think these guys are in Wisconsin? Jury is still out on it though. I didn't think Wisconsin had anything but cheese and sadness. 


TENNESSEE TITANS

Wait, this is a real team? I thought they were just joking.



CLEVELAND BROWNS

You know your team is basic when your mascot is literally just a color. And your logo ISN'T EVEN BROWN.


DETROIT LIONS

Good logo, good team color, good mascot. My only suggestion to them would be to not be from Detroit.


CAROLINA PANTHERS

If you or someone you love was victimized by the dabbing epidemic of 2016, these guys are at fault. Legends say they still dab to this day. Pray for those poor souls.


DALLAS COWBOYS

This team is owned by the old guy who’s on Shark Tank which leads me to wonder why they aren’t the Dallas Sharks? That’s a cooler name, plus you get a cute little mascot with it! Imagine a massive anthropomorphic shark roaming the stands during games, doesn’t sound a lot better than some guy with a stupid hat and star? 


ARIZONA CARDINALS

I will not take your team seriously when it’s named after the stupidest bird in North America. Seriously, google ‘Cardinal’ and ask yourself if that’s something that sparks fear in you. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.


ATLANTA FALCONS

You know at least one high school that has this exact same mascot and name. As a former ‘falcon’ myself, I can assure you there is nothing appealing about admitting you’re rooting for the Falcons, for high school or professional teams. It’s a bird.


LOS ANGELES RAMS

For some reason, I can not get it into my head that people from L.A. can play football. Like it doesn’t make sense, they don’t have the bone structure for it! Also, if you’re in L.A. and you’re trying to find a sports team to root for, why not just pick the Lakers? Then you can at least get a bit of respect from your L.A. peers. I’ll stop talking about L.A. now, the bit is over.


NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Hey! It's the team from cinematic masterpiece 80 For Brady (2023)


MINNESOTA VIKINGS

I only know about these guys from that one Lizzo song. Good for her for having a man on the Minnesota Vikings, I wish her all the best.


NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

They literally have the purple, green, and gold Mardi Gras color scheme RIGHT THERE, and still chose those ugly silver and gold uniforms. 


NEW YORK GIANTS

I feel like this is the team for musical theater fans, don't ask me why.


PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

I just want the characters from Abbott Elementary to be happy.


SAN FRANCISCO 49’ERS

More like San Francisco 69’ERS AYOOO! 


TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

PIRATE TEAM!!! If your team mascot is a pirate you automatically win, unlike the team itself.


WASHINGTON COMMANDERS

The team for Hamilton fans. I think the players should wear little Revolutionary War costumes in the game. 


BALTIMORE RAVENS

The emo kids of the NFL, they probably listened to My Chemical Romance while warming up. Just look at those uniforms! If that doesn’t say angst I don’t know what will.


BUFFALO BILLS

I think I had an English teacher that really liked these guys once? Or maybe she liked the Patriots? There are too many teams for me to keep up.


CINCINNATI BENGALS

I feel like this team's entire structure would be much better if they just weren’t from Cincinnati. Get better.


DENVER BRONCOS

The horse girls of football.


HOUSTON TEXANS

You have to respect the bluntness of this team. They’re from Houston, Texas. They literally just have their location in the name, and their logo is even a little Texan flag! Everything you need to know is right there! 


INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Minus points for making me spell Indianapolis. Besides, if you’re a fan of anything from Indianapolis can you really call yourself a winner?


JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

How many stupid football teams does Florida need? 


KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

WHY ARE THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS BASED IN MISSOURI???


LAS VEGAS RAIDERS

Search up “Raiders Fans” and tell me you would feel safe at one of these games. The answer is you wouldn’t. 


LOS ANGELES CHARGERS

Why in God's name does LA need not one, but two teams?.


MIAMI DOLPHINS

The Florida men of football. Their coach looks like if the term “Frat Boy” was a real person. 


NEW YORK JETS

I was expecting their mascot to be a little airplane, not a little football. We know you're a football team, you don't have to say it again in the logo. 


PITTSBURGH STEELERS

When asking a friend what he thought about the Pittsburgh Steelers, he said “My great-grandmother's husband who had dementia loved them. As his dementia grew so did his love for the Steelers. I don’t know if this has a correlation.”


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