By Benji Elkins:
A ZOOM online video call takes up the screen. On it are three profiles labeled DON, MIKE, and DEVOS.
TRUMP
Okay, where’s Betsy?
BARR
I don’t know.
TRUMP
Who said that. Barr was that you?
BARR
Yes, Mr. President.
TRUMP
I can’t see your face.
BARR
Are you in speaker view or gallery view?
TRUMP
Speaker.
BARR
Click Gallery View.
TRUMP
Where is that?
BARR
Top right corner?
TRUMP
Where?
BARR
Top right corner.
TRUMP
This?
A notification appears - it reads, “Don has left the session.”
BARR
Shit...Pence. Pence? Mike, unmute your microphone...Bottom left corner.
PENCE
There we go. Where’s Donald?
BARR
He left.
PENCE
He left?!
Suddenly a notification appears reading “Don, Agent Kellog, and Agent Bramsonhave entered the session.”
TRUMP
I’m back. Where’s DeVos?
PENCE
What’s with the agents?
TRUMP
Security Mike. Oh look. It says there’s a new chat. Barr what is that?
PENCE
What the f*ck is that ungodly thing?!
BARR
Mr. Vice President!
PENCE
Jesus!
BARR
It’s just an emoji.
PENCE
It has the face of a human on a monkey! Devilish!
TRUMP
How do I do one?
BARR
You have to enter the chat. Bottom right corner.
TRUMP
I don’t see it.
BARR
Bottom right corner.
TRUMP
Oh, I see it.
A notification appears saying “Don has left the session.”
BARR
Jesus.
PENCE
Hey!
A new notification appears saying “Betsy D has joined the session.”
PENCE
Ah, Secretary DeVos.
Betsy D begins to livestream hardcore Russian porn.
PENCE
Oh, disgusting! Hackers! Russian hackers! Secret Service, do something!
AGENT KELLOG
Sir, with all due respect, what the f*ck do you want us to do?
A notification appears saying “Don has entered the session.”
TRUMP
Oh yeah, Betsy! Now this is a Presidential Zoom call!