A Presidential Zoom Call

By Benji Elkins:


A ZOOM online video call takes up the screen. On it are three profiles labeled DON, MIKE, and DEVOS.


TRUMP

Okay, where’s Betsy?


BARR

I don’t know.


TRUMP

Who said that. Barr was that you?


BARR

Yes, Mr. President.


TRUMP

I can’t see your face.


BARR

Are you in speaker view or gallery view?


TRUMP

Speaker.


BARR

Click Gallery View.


TRUMP

Where is that?


BARR

Top right corner?


TRUMP

Where?


BARR

Top right corner.


TRUMP

This?


A notification appears - it reads, “Don has left the session.”


BARR

Shit...Pence. Pence? Mike, unmute your microphone...Bottom left corner.


PENCE

There we go. Where’s Donald?


BARR

He left.


PENCE

He left?!


Suddenly a notification appears reading “Don, Agent Kellog, and Agent Bramsonhave entered the session.”


TRUMP

I’m back. Where’s DeVos?


PENCE

What’s with the agents?


TRUMP

Security Mike. Oh look. It says there’s a new chat. Barr what is that?


PENCE

What the f*ck is that ungodly thing?!


BARR

Mr. Vice President!


PENCE

Jesus!


BARR

It’s just an emoji.


PENCE

It has the face of a human on a monkey! Devilish!


TRUMP

How do I do one?


BARR

You have to enter the chat. Bottom right corner.


TRUMP

I don’t see it.


BARR

Bottom right corner.


TRUMP

Oh, I see it.


A notification appears saying “Don has left the session.”


BARR

Jesus.


PENCE

Hey!


A new notification appears saying “Betsy D has joined the session.”


PENCE

Ah, Secretary DeVos.


Betsy D begins to livestream hardcore Russian porn.


PENCE

Oh, disgusting! Hackers! Russian hackers! Secret Service, do something!


AGENT KELLOG

Sir, with all due respect, what the f*ck do you want us to do?


A notification appears saying “Don has entered the session.”


TRUMP

Oh yeah, Betsy! Now this is a Presidential Zoom call!


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©2018 by The Milking Cat.