By Ariana White:
About the Lulus
By Lola Vernacceli,
On October 20th, 2020, I put my most prized possession, which I named Sasha-- more commonly known as my “Wunder Under High-Rise Tight 28" Luxtreme” Lulu Lemon leggings in the classic color “Incognito Camo Jacquard Bubblegum Pink,”-- into my laundry bag. I zipped up the bag, walked it downstairs, and sat it down in the basement where it would eventually be taken by my mom to be washed. I did not expect, however, that in the end, my mom would prove to be a lying, scheming thief.
Since the leggings’ venture to the basement, they have been nowhere to be found, and I have not been able to wear my precious Sasha in the past two weeks-- A.K.A. I have not gone to the gym to supposedly “work out” but really just stare at the beautiful butts of 55-year-old men in the past two weeks! This is absurd! I have personally asked every member of my family if they have seen Sasha, yet no one has claimed to have spotted her. I scrambled from door to door-- I even woke up my maid, Lucas, to find out if he had stolen my booty lifting leggings for himself; there was a rumor going around the house that he started an Only Fans account. I was confused, desperate, disheveled, and I slept a total of 3 hours a day due to frequently waking up in a cold sweat after experiencing horrible nightmares of a Demogorgon wearing Sasha!
Three weeks after Sasha’s disappearance, I decided that it was time to send my laundry bag downstairs again, but this time, with great caution. As I made my way down the stairs, I overheard my brother and father whispering to each other. My father said he lost his Hermes scarf after laundry day, while my brother recounted a time when his Gucci thong also failed to return to him. If both my father and brother were losing their clothes as well, then that only left one suspect… was my mom really stealing our clothes?! This triggered a new investigation. I asked her countless questions and demanded answers, sometimes interfering with her afternoon pilates class with Lucas, who we all know she’s having an affair with. I was determined to find answers and to have my Sasha returned to me.
Alas, Sasha was never found. My mom simply blocked me on iMessage and then threw a Molotov cocktail into my room. I can’t lie, this did slow down my investigation a bit, but I refuse to stop educating the public in her mischievous ways and blatant thievery!