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American Schools Offer a New Varsity Sport

By Kate Donato:

As an athlete myself, I understand the drawbacks of many sports. It tires the body to run, the uniforms are somewhat ugly, and sweating is a disgusting and unnatural phenomenon. For students who seek comradery, yet dislike the aforementioned drawbacks, American schools have offered a superior alternative: Extreme Sitting.

Before the advent of Extreme Sitting, I had endured countless hardships throughout my athletic career. My fellow athletes disapproved of my attempts to bribe the referees, and my role on the school track team was decidedly JV. Although these incidents often caused me to doubt my athletic abilities, I knew my potential was buried deep down. That is, deep, deep, deep down— within the single atom of a single cell of a single muscle that I might possess. However, I would rise to compete at the Olympics eventually. It was fate.

When American schools first offered this new varsity sport, I decided to attend the try-outs. It was a long and arduous experience. At one point, during a twelve-hour movie marathon, I spilled Cheetos on my bathrobe. At another, I became addicted to several processed foods. When I attempted to move, my body failed to rise from my seat, as I had grown physically attached to the sofa cushions.

Although the try-outs were grueling, and few other athletes made the team, I was given a position on the starting roster. Over the next weeks, we met on Zoom for hours at a time. Our coach, a local furniture tester, ordered us to sit and timed our practices. I found myself watching television shows from dusk to dawn.

After many training sessions, we held our first Extreme Sitting meet. Hundreds of athletes gathered on Zoom, turned on their televisions, and sat for days at a time. I watched my competitors, dazzling the spectators as they sat in their bedrooms. They were far more talented than me. How could I ever beat them? Would I dare even try?

The realization hit me faster than my father’s disapproval. I napped and panicked for a time, believing that my Extreme Sitting career was over. And yet, as I fell into deep despair, the referee announced the results: Everyone was declared a winner because we all had fun! At the end of the meet, much to my coach’s delight, I received my first virtual participation trophy.

As I have discovered, Extreme Sitting is a unique and gratifying experience. Nonetheless, athletes who wish to join must consider the physical and emotional exertions involved. I feel proud to be an Extreme Sitter. I am glad that the United States supports our innovative athletic group.

This message is sponsored by the Millennial Sports League.


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