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An Important Bulletin From The Not Going Down Stairs Commission

By Amelia Ell

To all faithful homeowners—parents and children, pet owners and pets, landlords and squatters: the following details the latest recommendations officially released by The Not Going Down Stairs Commission. It was graciously hosted this year by the main lobby floor of Cavendish Spud Suites, although was cut short due to the unfortunate placement of restrooms on the underground level. The hotel kindly supplied free accommodations for attendees of the meeting. Members sent to rooms on the second floor or above remain situated there, as of the publishing of this bulletin.

To begin, the congregation’s primary concern for this year’s outline was personal safety in your homes and workplaces. At The Not Going Down Stairs Commission, we recommend against the use of a staircase more than twice a week. (Once if your stairway is made of stained hardwood or has a history of cruelly misplaced single socks.) On days when the humidity exceeds 60% or any level of reasonable wetness, limit the use of outdoor ramps.

In institutions like schools, shopping malls, and shared office buildings, your voice counts when it comes to the safety of your community. Refuse to use staircases with a banister of less than 3” in diameter. Know your rights—always ask for the building code and permit documents before utilizing any escalator if not publicly displayed. Be sure to remind children that escalators were designed with interminable, slow monotony in mind and the steps are not intended for walking up or down while in motion. As a note, beware of misleading features of stairs such as shallow inclines or sandpaper strips. No staircase is truly free of risks.

In rare, extreme conditions, the use of a staircase may be necessary (we are currently working on a petition to change this). If an alternative mode of descending is impossible, refer to these 3 simple rules to reduce the likelihood of slips, accidents, or stairway-related fatalities.

  1. Plan ahead: always carry shoe sole adhesives on trips above ground level. We recommend patented Stickyfoot® squares that increase the gravity experienced on the feet by almost 140%. As temporary household solutions are always better than going up unprepared, masking tape on the underside of shoes is a suitable replacement.

  2. Protect yourself from vertigo: it is little known that vertigo attacks on staircases are the 432nd most common cause of sprained wrists. To avoid this hazard, take 3-4 doses of Benadryl before approaching the stairway. Antihistamines effectively manage nausea and are recommended regardless of an individual’s history with vertigo. If symptoms develop before reaching the first landing, take an additional dose every 7-8 steps.

  3. Practice your form: The safest course of action for children to descend stairs in an emergency situation is by sitting down and proceeding down each step one at a time. Monthly floor-based butt-scooting drills are advised for all elementary-level schools and below.

Dangerous staircase practices are more common than you might think: the majority of multi-storey houses have at least one staircase installed. As it turns out, the average free-standing home is likely to include a basement! Remember, your safety and the safety of your family is a choice.

Although many of our members find themselves in high places and are unavailable for interview, our hotline is open 24/7 for those who feel trapped in a possibly unsafe staircase situation. Visit our website to support the implementation of regulated emergency-exit waterslides in all public buildings. More to come after our exciting partnership with The Not Going Down Elevators Commission.


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