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Appropriate Uses For Caffeine

By Nataly Delcid


Black Coffee

  • You’re a student and you want to show up to class looking all mysterious and edgy so your teachers think you're a prodigy.

  • You’re a lazy shit.

  • You’re poor

  • You’re old

  • You’re Nataly Delcid

Oat Milk Latte

  • You’re rich

  • It's winter and want to know what it’s like to be happy again

  • You’re socially and romantically starved and want to know that the barista did latte art for you and just you because you haven’t felt the gentle touch of a lover in 18 months.

Celsius

  • You have a 12-page paper due in 9 hours that you haven’t laid a finger on.

  • You have a concussion and need to know what it’s like to feel happy again.

  • You’re about to play a sports game and feel the need to drink a Celsius because you’re a hoe for the placebo effect.

  • You hate FDA approved products

  • You hate the FDA

  • You hate the government

  • You hate democracy

  • You want high blood pressure

Tea

  • You’re British

  • You do not have a 12-page paper due in 9 hours that you haven’t laid a finger on.

  • You’re poor

Red Bull

  • You hate yourself

  • You’re a Satanist

Pre-Workout

  • See Celsius, appropriate use #3

  • Your name is Kyle

  • You’re Mormon


Frappuccino

Shut the fuck up.



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