By Stormy Channing:
Better Than Video Games
By A. Kanabel
Watching paint dry and sleeping are truly the best ways to spend your time. None of this going-to-college-and-having-a-good-life. Just peace while watching paint dry.
Some people think that video games are a good way to spend your time. They say that it’s fun and entertaining and you get to meet people in the game. There are Fortnite fans, there’s Minecraft fans, and even some Roblox fans (ew). Fortnite is “thrilling,” Minecraft is “creative” and “peaceful”, and Roblox is . . . I forgot.
Anyway, people will tell you that watching paint dry is boring, but really, it just gets a bad reputation. It’s actually very fun and exciting. Three reasons why watching paint dry is great: first, your kids will love it, second, it doesn’t consume energy, so it’s very cheap, and third, a reason that I’ll explain later.
Why will your kids love it? It’s actually more peaceful than Minecraft. In Minecraft, things happen. You get blown up, you can die. With watching paint dry, there’s no risk of you being interrupted in your zen session.
You might think it’s not creative, but you can get really creative on what angle from which to watch the paint dry, like a 74.3 degree angle, or maybe a 73.4 degree angle. You have time to think about the small things in your life. In fact, there’s a study that shows that your IQ goes up by one point every day that you spend watching paint dry. This is because as you watch your paint dry, your brain gets time to think about other things--like the questions you saw on your last IQ test.
It’s tough to argue that watching paint dry is more thrilling than Fortnite, but your kids don’t need to be thrilled. If you insist on giving them a thrill, have them think about getting eaten by sharks.
Why will you, as parents, love it? A huge appeal to parents is that you can get lots of family time, compared to your average kid, who spends all his time on his “stupid devices.” According to Medical Life Science, kids spend too much time on their devices. Of all kids who spend more than three hours a day on electronics, nearly 50% are having their sleep and social activities interrupted. However, there’s no research that shows that watching paint dry affects social interactions or sleep. While watching paint dry, your kids aren’t on their devices and you can have a fun time watching paint dry with them.
Another reason you’ll love it is that it costs nothing. With videogames you have to buy the computer they are playing on and have to spend money daily on electricity that they use. Paint, by contrast, requires no electricity and one canister of paint is quite cheap when you consider that you are also painting the wall with it. Plus, you can paint a small portion every day, giving your kids plenty of time to watch.
From my perspective, if you all get your kids to watch paint and sleep a lot, they will be nice and tender for the plucking at the age of fifteen. Kids who play video games get muscles, which are disgusting. The texture is terrible. It’s very rough and hard to chew.
By the age of fifteen, your kids will be too sassy to deal with. You’ll be happy to send them away. I knew of a great military school with the address: A. Kanabel, My House. They’ll be taken care of there. Once they come back from military school, they won’t say a thing.
Approximately 600 words.
Source of statistics: Kids spending too much time gaming