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By Julianna Reidell:

Twilight Saga Author Stephenie Meyer Joins Forces With Uncle Ted’s Publishing Company To Produce Bilight: Twilight Where Everyone Is Bisexual

Fans Enthusiastic and Also Not Particularly Surprised

No need to choose between just Team Edward or Team Jacob anymore, Twi-hards! In Stephenie Meyer’s newest add-on to the four-book Twilight series, the love triangle just got a bit more complicated. Why?

“Bi!” answers Mr. Ted Throckmorton, Meyer’s agent and publisher. “Bye-bye, straight fiction. Hello, bisexual storytelling! Twilight if everybody had the capacity to fall in love with two genders - can you imagine the possibilities?!”

Bilight won’t be the first time Meyer has attempted to “woke up” the writing. In 2015, the novella “Life and Death” re-imagined the supernatural side of Forks, Washington with across-the-cast gender swaps and, earlier in 2020, a retelling of the book that started it all (and by all I mean the gruesome shipping wars) from the perspective of blood-sucking vivisectionist Edward Cullen was released. Midnight Sun - described as “laughably bad” by The Independent and “absolutely soul-searing” by that one girl with Team Edward posters all over her walls - was apparently only a prelude to Meyer’s most ambitious project yet.

Worth noting is the fact that Meyer plans to switch publishers for this new twist of the Twilight-verse. Reasons for the change are as yet unknown; however, one theory circulating social media suggests that the previous agent -- a representative of Little, Brown and Co. -- collapsed in a nervous breakdown, giving doctors a scientific breakthrough into a previously speculative condition. “Twilight fatigue,” a sort of allergic reaction to endless love stories involving brooding vampires (teens between the ages of twelve and sixteen are believed to have a natural immunity) is now being studied in more detail. Uncle Ted’s Publishing Company, originally a start-up business founded by 78-year-old failed English professor and classics enthusiast Ted Throckmorton, has enthusiastically taken on the task of bringing the new series (an “immortal child” if there ever was one -- though at least we can pronounce this one’s name) into the world. Mr. Throckmorton told the press in a prepared statement last Thursday that “we hope Bilight will take its place amongst the Uncle Ted greats, including #GreekClassicsforJocks and the Gay Gothica series, which, coincidentally, is on a 95% off sale. No, that’s not for Black Friday -- we’re just desperate.”

The level of excitement amongst the fans has been steady, if somewhat subdued.

“It’s not that I’m not looking forward to it. I am,” said one Team Jacob supporter, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, citing “a Team Edward b*tch in my class who will hunt me down if she knows my name.”

“It’s just that,” she continued, “It’s sort of like if you were stuck on a desert island with unlimited ice cream. It’s great, but if you have it every day, the joy sort of goes down. You expect it more. At this rate, I’m going to be reading Twilight to my grandchildren -- but I’ll still enjoy every minute of it.”

The lukewarmly eager audience was somewhat rocked when, two days ago, an alleged spoiler from the first book in the Bilight saga was leaked to the public. Reactions to the most notable sentence -- “Edward cupped Jacob’s hairy werewolf face in both hands, staccato breaths making both boy-monsters tremble, Bella’s blood still smeared across their chins” -- have been passionate.

“I hate Jacob,” said one Team Edward individual in response to the leak, “But I think I hate Bella more. Honestly, I could ship Jedward. Edcob? I’ll figure it out.”

And hopefully shippers will not have long to wait. According to one wry anonymous source, Bilight will be released “before the end of 2020, because… it’s just fitting, isn’t it?”

When contacted, author Stephenie Meyer declined to comment on all of the above.


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