BREAKING: BABY DISCOVERS THE MEANING OF LIFE
By Benji Elkins:
In a ground-breaking philosophical announcement, it has been found that Florida baby Kyle Lemore has discovered the meaning of life. Unfortunately, due to Kyle’s lack of cognitive ability, limited brain capacity, and the fact that he is only three months old, Kyle has not been able to communicate this groundbreaking revelation. In response, President Trump has gathered some of the world’s best scientists (they’re really the best, absolutely, you can trust him on that, he only gets the best) from groundbreaking world-renowned facilities such as NASA, Ivy League Universities, the International Council for Science, MIT, and the child development sector of WHO. Today, the six scientists who accepted this daunting challenge set out to unleash the mind of Kyle Lemore, and discover the meaning of life.
Mark Pruvner Ph.d (Columbia University)
Mark Pruvner is a father of three and husband of four. A strong follower of the Mormon religion, Pruvner is known for his refusal to work on Sundays or Mondays, and strong belief that he can only treat fellow Mormons. In 2006 he broke the news when he performed a heart transplant on Mitt Romney, replacing his decaying vital organ with a Build-A-Bear Workshop® stuffed heart.
James McNeil M.D (Yale Medicine)
James McNeil is a practicing pediatrician and oncologist. McNeil made headlines in ‘07 with his groundbreaking approach to child care in which he fused his two areas of expertise by treating chicken pox-infected children with chemotherapy.
Natalie Portman B.A (Harvard University)
Natalie Portman was born Neta-Lee Herschlag in Jerusalem, Israel. Portman began her acting career at age 12, starring in local shows and making her Broadway debut in high school. From 1999 to 2003, Portman attended Harvard University to obtain a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. In 2004, she won an academy award for Best Supporting Actress for her role in Closer.
Mark Reuben M.A (Alaska Pacific University)
Mark Reuben, an Alaskan native, received his bachelor’s degree from IlIsagvik College and his Master’s from Alaska Pacific University. Reuben is on call 24/7 for the experiment in case Kyle Lemore needs to be studied in cold temperatures.
Rachel Dougall Ph.d (Oxford University)
The second woman on the Lemore team, Rachel Dougall has been a champion of women’s rights since the mid 2000s, winning the gold medal in 2007, 2010, and 2013. However her loss in 2017 to Sarah Larthé forced her to pass on her title, making her only a former champion of women’s rights.
Tim was the winner of the 2014 Red Lobster all you can eat Shrimp Fest and was the first one to respond to WHO’s ad looking for a sixth scientist to work on the Lemore case. Rydener has no qualifications but is looking forward to the study nonetheless.
The six scientists met at the Lemore household this morning to begin experimenting on the child. Dr. Pruvner noted that he has many ideas that he would like to try, hoping that today would be a historical event for mankind. Portman was excited to learn the meaning of life, but Rydener was skeptical. Updates will be posted as the events unfold.
Lemore Household, 8:15 a.m
The scientists are trying to reason with Lemore. Reportedly, McNeil sat Lemore down and asked him about the meaning of life. Sources say however that Lemore would not respond to McNeil. Some speculate this may be because he is only three months old.
Lemore Household, 9:30 a.m
The scientists have paused for breakfast. Dougall requested fresh cooked pancakes cooked by Lemore’s mother. Mrs. Lemore called this an invasion of privacy and very unprofessional.
Lemore Household, 10:45 a.m
Pruvner has began to communicate with the child through rudimentary pictures. First, Pruvner sketches what he believes the meaning of life is and then presents it to Lemore. If Kyle releases an emotion that standby doctor Mark Reuben notes as positive on the “child emotion 1-10” scale, Reuben takes the drawing and puts it into a pile. If Lemore releases an emotion that the scale notes as negative, Reuben then takes the drawing and puts it into a different pile. When asked about the significance of these separate piles, Reuben stated, “There is none.” and then promptly merged the two piles together to prove a point.
Tallahassee Municipal Park, 11:30 a.m
After little to no progress with Lemore, the academics decided some fresh air might be beneficial for the baby. The academics were seen strolling through Tallahassee Municipal Park with Lemore, pushing a stroller in the nice Florida sun. The relationship between Mrs. Lemore and Dr. Dougall, however, was further strained when Lemore uttered his first word, “mama,” directed at Dougall. On hearing Lemore briefly speak, Pruvner rushed the team back to the Lemore household to continue the study.
Lemore Household, 12:00 p.m.
Dr. Pruvner definitively declared Lemore’s short burst of conversation a “fluke” as Lemore refused to continue his conversation. Pruvner has decided enticing the infant with candy may prompt a breakthrough in the study.
Tallahassee Municipal Hospital, 1:00 p.m
Disaster has struck! Kyle Lemore has suffered an extreme allergic reaction to the Milky Way candy bars given to him by Pruvner. A doctor from the Tallahassee Municipal Hospital stated that Lemore was allergic to the ingredient known as “artificial flavoring” inside Milky Ways. Dr. Kim Schlessinger chastised Pruvner, stating that Pruvner’s failure to ask Lemore about his dietary restrictions could have proven fatal. Pruvner has decided, for the well-being of Lemore and for certain ascertainment of the meaning of life, to put the study on an indefinite hiatus.
Lemore Household, 1:12 p.m
Twelve minutes after the announcement of the indefinite hiatus, lead academic, Dr. Pruvner, has decided to break it. Pruvner has ordered Natalie Portman to perform an existential and emotional monologue from the film Closer in order to prompt Lemore into speaking.
Lemore Household, 2:18 p.m
Natalie Portman is reportedly crying in the corner of Lemore’s room. Sources say Portman broke down when Pruvner called her acting derivative of later, more trivial works, and asserted that it was the performance of a philistine. McNeil chimed in by asking what Portman’s Academy Award was even for. Many agreed that this was too far.
Lemore Household, 4:20 p.m
A breakthrough has been made! The scientists have finally gotten Lemore to open up in conversation. However, to the scholar’s dismay, Kyle reportedly refuses to discuss the metaphysical and philosophical topics the six were hoping for, but instead will only talk about a Dora the Explorer episode he saw the day before. The scientists are beginning to question if the infant Lemore actually discovered the meaning of life in the first place.
Lemore Household, 5:15 p.m
As the day winds down the scientists have concluded that Lemore never actually knew the meaning of life and instead simply had a soiled diaper. When pressed for comment on whether the team was foolish for believing that an infant could carry the meaning of life, Pruvner responded: “Foolish for that? No. However, we were foolish for thinking that someone living in Florida could discover the meaning in life. What a disgusting place. Our new research suggests that the person who holds the meaning of life will most likely originate from a more esteemed state such as one of the Dakotas or San Francisco.”
Pruvner was never informed that San Francisco is in fact not a state but a city.