By Natalie Parker:
According to new reports, a high school senior here at our very own Sexist Former President High School managed to get a full nine hours of sleep last night. This event is groundbreaking; the last time any senior in high school got more than half an hour of sleep was thirty years ago, when a teenage boy in Formerly Quaint Suburban Town, USA, died in his sleep after his hateful stepmother filled his bedroom with carbon monoxide. Since this full night of sleep involved no drug use, no murder, and no wicked stepmothers scheming to promote the statuses of their selfish daughters, people are flocking from all over the country to meet this senior in person. We here at You Only Read This On The Toilet Magazine did the same and can confirm that the teenager in question is actually smiling, for real, like with teeth and everything. According to the student, “life is actually good right now. I don’t irrationally hate my friends. I don’t have a headache or back pain. Maybe I’ll finally be able to improve my grades! All teens should get to experience this pure bliss. I feel like I drank liquid sunshine, and not even in an I-took-sketchily-obtained-ecstasy-at-a-party way!” Apparently, sleep has a plethora of benefits to mental, emotional, and physical health. Who knew? Perhaps this major scientific breakthrough will catalyze huge structural changes in our way of life. Our school system, economic system, and general society cannot possibly ignore this. Our whole false meritocracy based on prioritizing productivity over health and well-being to inhumane extremes may finally burn to the ground and lay in snow-white ashes on the rich dirt of Mother Earth, allowing us, the human race, to painstakingly craft an entirely new lifestyle from scratch. Big changes are coming — there’s no doubt about that.
Subsequent attempts to get interviews with the student’s friends were foiled when a preliminary inspection revealed that they were lurching around the building and loudly requesting brains from the adults around them. We withstood them at first, but when they started attacking by wailing Taylor Swift’s re-release of Red, we had to get out of there. Hopefully, full nights of sleep are contagious in teenagers. Science shall uncover mysteries like these in the future — if it ever happens again, that is.