LANSING, Michigan—On Tuesday, April 23, Lansing High School in Lansing, Michigan, reported that more than 150 students were absent. This was not a case of senioritis—a disease that affects almost all Americans in their lifetime—but another epidemic: brain rot. Early reports are showing that around 20 teenagers may be dead, with another 100 in a permanent state of comatose.
The definition of brain rot is subjective, but experts have labeled it as such, “when the use of social media deteriorates the hippocampus so much so that the subject vocabulary, memory, and personality revolves around TikTok content.” (Evidence from Reddit, 2024.) Symptoms and effects of the illness include hyperfixations on the political connotations of the TikTok Rizz party, body dysmorphia from mewing, mogging, and looksmaxxing, and using the word “skibidi” in everyday vocabulary.
Sara Edwards, the mother of Marco, 14, a victim of brain rot said she noticed a change in her son around late January of this year. He hung posters of Chico Lachowski on his walls, telling everyone that he would ‘mog’ them to one day, just like the Brazilian model. TikTok.com defines mogging as “being more physically attractive than others, and is part of the trend of looksmaxing, which focuses on improving one's appearance.” Marco subsequently asked his mother for $10,000 to spend on plastic surgery to turn his eyes into “hunter eyes.” Marco’s other symptoms include asking everyone to call him Turkish Quandale Dingle and joining a local choir to sing “Sticking our your gyatt for the rizzler.”
After a multi-month battle with brain rot, Marco succumbed to the disease as he told his mother he was, “shifting to Ohio.” Losing her son in a long and painful process, Sara Edwards is heartbroken and has a message for other parents. “Beware of TikTok! It will destroy your baby's brain. Monitor your children’s feed closely, and if you see any AI remakes of Megamind, take them to the hospital. It may already be too late.”
Though aware of the issue, doctors and researchers are unsure how to combat brain rot in an increasingly digital age. The only way they are sure to prevent the disease is by banning social media entirely. Dr. Samuel Gomez issued a warning, saying, “I love social media too, so I don’t want to ban everyone from it. But I don’t think brain rot is worth the risk. Be careful kids.”
President Biden has yet to comment on the matter, but conspiracy theorist anti-vaxxers suggest that this may be the true reason Congress is acting swiftly to ban TikTok. With so many American youth on the platform, the United States may only have little time left before all teenagers, and even some millennials, show signs of brain rot. Once symptoms appear, there is a 90% mortality rate.
At The Milking Cat Times, we embrace journalistic neutrality, vowing to present news accurately and fairly. But, after extensive reporting on the brain rot disease, we urge you, our kind reader, to be cautious online. Be conscious of the content you are consuming, and touch some grass at least five times a week. If you or a loved one is showing signs of brain rot, call 888-888-8888 immediately.