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Cut the Cameras. Now.

By Kaavya Shah

Saturday

April 13th 2024

10:30:27 A.M.


I’m gonna cut right to the chase. No intro, no background information.

When I woke up on Saturday, I rubbed my eye with the bottom of my palm, and when I went to rub it, I felt something that could only be described as “crinkly and crunchy”. I thought it was a chocolate wrapper at first, but I’m not dirty. It’s not like I have food wrappers everywhere in my room. So, I go to rub my eye, and A BUG FALLS OUT OF MY EYE AND LANDS ON MY BED. Excuse me?? What happened to hello? How are you? My name is? I mean, I don’t know about you, but that’s the perfect way to spend a Saturday morning. If you’re ever starved for fun and fresh weekend plans, I highly recommend you fall so deeply asleep that you don’t even realize you have a cockroach (exaggeration…kind of) crawling on your eye for who knows how long. Anyways, the second the bug fell out of my eye it was game over. I figured a bug that big was probably gonna be pretty speedy, so I knew I had to act fast. I’d already crushed it a little with the force of my palm, and I ripped its leg off, so it wasn’t like it was gonna go anywhere. All I could think as I scooped it up with a tissue paper was: 

  1. There’s no way I’m going back to sleep now

  2. I woke up with a cute little friend attached to my eyeball, and now it’s going straight down the toilet!

Honestly, to be honest, I love when crazy stuff like this happens to me, because then I can just write it off as a business expense and type up a nice article about it. It’s such a wonderful break from the peaceful, bug-free bore that is my regular life. I’m lucky I’m not one of those people that’s dead scared of bugs, because with the way I handle stress, I probably would’ve packed my bags and begged my dad to buy a new house. If I woke up with a bird next to my bed though, that would’ve been an entirely different story. When that bug fell out of my eye, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t check my room for cameras. It genuinely felt like a prank on me because it was so absolutely ridiculous. Am I in the Truman Show? Actually don’t answer that. You’d probably tell me no. I remember reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid years ago, and Greg said that over the course of their lifetime, humans will eat five bugs in their sleep. I always thought it was something he made up because he was paranoid, but I think it’s true and I was soooo close. Bugs are kind of crazy to me, because I keep my room nice and clean, and they still find a way to spawn out of nowhere. They’re kind of like the Sandman in that sense, because all they need is a little bit of leverage, and all of a sudden they’re these all powerful beings with a whole army and one of them is clutching onto your eyeball for dear life. I need one of you astrology fiends to tell me why this stuff keeps happening to me, because last week, I had three Instagram bots request to follow me at the same time, and funnily enough, my Instagram got hacked right after that. It’s Mercury isn’t it? It’s in retrograde or something, right? Well ha ha ha! See, I’m laughing, it's really funny, but, news flash buddy April Fools is over. So you can take your sorry little pranking self home and cut the cameras. Now.

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