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BREAKING: The Teacher Can See Your Private Chats on Zoom

By Noah Stern:

Startling news out of Lockwood High School this week: It turns out teachers can read everything that students send over private chat on a Zoom call. This was first discovered in Mr. Gregory’s first period calculus class, when student Tommy Taglione sent a private message to his friend Derek Haskins:“Do u think Mr Gregory’s baby is crying in the background bc he’s hungry or bc his dad teaches calculus?” Before Haskins could respond, Mr. Gregory saw the message and began to reprimand Taglione and explain the importance of calculus.

Unfortunately for the student body, the slip-ups did not end there. A particularly bad instance came during Señora García’s 4th period AP Spanish class as everyone shared their first week “about-me” presentations. As Randy Matthews was speaking to the class, Daniel Richardson sent what was supposed to be a private message to fellow classmate Rachel Goldman: “Randy literally just said ‘mi favorito color es mojado.’ How did they let this clown into AP?” Much to Richardson’s surprise, Sra. García instantly read his message and berated him for bullying a fellow classmate when he himself had only just learned the correct pronunciation of empanada. However, García was quick to point out to Matthews that “wet” is not a color.

At the time of this story’s release, word of this new development has spread through the whole school and, likely, the whole country. Zoom Video Communications Inc. has received thousands of spiteful emails from students across the nation who have been called out in front of their classmates for inappropriate private chats.

Eric Yuan, the CEO of Zoom, has declined to comment.


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