By Noa Garmaise:
(Billy Joel is sitting on the patio of an Italian restaurant, awaiting someone special.)
WAITER: Alright Billy Joel, would you like to take a look at our drinks menu while you’re waiting?
BILLY JOEL: You know it all depends upon—
WAITER: Yes, I know. Your appetite or mood or whatever. I was just trying to do my job.
BILLY JOEL: Well in that case, maybe a bottle of red, a bottle of white. Perhaps a bottle of rose instead.
WAITER: I’m not going to do this dance with you, Billy Joel. Get your shit together, man.
(The waiter leaves the table, clearing Billy Joel’s view. Billy Joel now sees two acquaintances from long ago sitting at the table next to him.)
BRENDA: Billy Joel, is that you?
BILLY JOEL: Why yes it is. I’m so sorry I don’t quite remember…
EDDIE: It’s Brenda and Eddie, asshole. Remember us? You ruined our lives with that little song of yours.
BILLY JOEL: Brenda and Eddie! Of course! How have you guys been? It’s been a while.
BRENDA: We’ve been good, Billy. After your song came out and we were able to overcome the debilitating embarrassment of having our whole marriage recounted over the radio, we reconciled.
EDDIE: We’re stronger now than ever. No thanks to you.
BILLY JOEL: Great! I’ve been okay too. Got a new job, got a good office. Got a new wife, got a new life. And the family’s—
EDDIE: Well that’s just peachy for you. You nearly destroyed our whole family, and for what? A few cheap rhymes?
BILLY JOEL: I didn’t say anything so horrible! I said you were the popular steadies and the king and the queen of the prom. That’s all good stuff!
BRENDA: You said — and I quote — “Brenda you know you’re much too lazy”.
BILLY JOEL: I meant lazy in an endearing way.
EDDIE: You said I could “never afford to live that kind of life”. What does that even mean? You know I’m a very successful neurosurgeon with old money, right?
BILLY JOEL: Don’t do this to me, Eddie. You know, the listeners were always on your side of the separation.
EDDIE: Is that so?
BILLY JOEL: Would I lie?
BRENDA: Eddie, what the hell is wrong with you?
EDDIE: You know what, I guess the song is pretty catchy.
BILLY JOEL: Oh, thank you. Means a lot. It was really a matter of nailing down that piano part.
BRENDA: Who are you? You are not the man I married! Twice!
EDDIE: I think it’s that part at the beginning where it really picks up. Gets me singing along every time.
BRENDA: You told me that you trashed those CDs!
BILLY JOEL: Love to hear it. Really it means so much, especially coming from old friends like you.
BRENDA: I am not a part of this!
EDDIE: Of course, anytime. You’re really so talented.
BILLY JOEL: If I could just… No, I shouldn’t.
EDDIE: Come on, Billy. Come out with it.
BRENDA: Keep it inside, Billy Joel! Don’t you dare—
BILLY JOEL: Well I’ve just been stuck, you know. Trying to write new music. Nothing really inspires me anymore. And, well, just sitting here…
EDDIE: You’ve been inspired.
BILLY JOEL: Exactly.
(The waiter comes back to top off Billy Joel’s ice water.)
BRENDA: Don’t you dare, Billy! Don’t you dare!
BILLY JOEL (to the waiter): Excuse me, sir. Could I trouble you for a pen?
WAITER: Of course, Billy Joel. I have one right here. Just glad you could make a decision. For once.
(Billy Joel begins to scribble on a napkin. Meanwhile, Brenda turns to her husband.)
BRENDA: Eddie, you total dipshit! I thought things would be different this time around. Your lack of consideration, it never fails to astound.
BILLY JOEL: This is really good stuff, Brenda.
BRENDA: It didn’t rhyme on purpose, Billy Joel! This is my life!
(Brenda storms away from the table, leaving Eddie all alone with Billy Joel.)
EDDIE: C’mon, Brenda!
BILLY JOEL: I’m sorry, man. Relationships can be really tough. Sometimes it doesn’t work out. All that matters is that you try your best.
EDDIE: Don’t I know it. Thank you. I really appreciate that advice.
BILLY JOEL (looking at a woman in the distance): Ah, there she is! Finally.
EDDIE: What the hell, Billy Joel?! The girl you’ve been waiting for is Heather from Biology class? Gosh, you’ll never change. Does your “new wife” know where you are?
BILLY: Well we all have a face, that we hide away forever—
EDDIE: You’re a monster, Billy Joel! Brenda, come back! I’m so sorry!