By Sascha Nastasi-Feinburg:
CASTING CALL: BREAST MILK FLAVORED TREATS FOR DOGS AND HUMANS
[SAMANTHA] Female. Must look 27 and, more importantly, must look like you were breastfed until age ten. A good smile with milky white teeth is a plus, as is a penchant for pale pink. *Preference will be given to women who resemble Samantha the American Girl Doll.* Please submit a short video of you saying your line as written below in the commercial transcript. Repeat your line with varying emotion, ranging from mildly sad and stoic to overjoyed and over caffeinated.
[TODD] Male. Must look 38 and, more importantly, must look like you were breastfed until age nine. A good smile with clean teeth is a plus, as is a penchant for pale blue. Please submit a short video of you saying your line as written below in the commercial transcript. Please repeat your line with varying emotion, ranging from out of it and uninterested to orgasmic elation.
[MELISSA] 20s or 30s. Please submit a video of you and your dog first screaming and crying together in your bedroom, and then laughing and smiling together on your (preferably grey) sofa.
[MELISSA’S DOG, SPOT] Preferably spotted. Must have a phenomenal smile and also be able to cry on command. Preferably small. See Melissa’s breakdown for submission instructions.
[NARRATOR] Any age or gender. Must have a voice smooth like milk. Please submit a voice memo of you reading the below transcript, as well as any previous ASMR work.
Commercial voiceover transcript: Since COVID-19 landed on our shores, we bet you’ve been feeling as helpless as a baby. Crying yourself to sleep at night, eating the same three mushy foods over and over again, babbling and frequently emitting high pitched screams. And what’s more, we know you’ve been spending most of the day in bed, coddled by blankets. In these unprecedented times, what you seek most is comfort. That’s why BonaFeed has created all new Breast milk flavored food, BoobaFeed, because nothing says comfort quite like mother’s milk. As an added bonus, it’s safe and healthy for your dog too! Now that’s a two-fer you can get excited about!
Our product is designed and created by people who breast fed for far too long and our reviews back up our claims.
“It’s just like the real thing! Trust me!” Samantha, 27, breastfed until ten years old.
“Yeah, uh, it’s pretty damn good,” Todd, 38, breast fed until nine years old.
*Side effects, both for humans and dogs, may include: regression, cradle cap, feeling of oneness with the food itself, projectile vomiting, possible colic, and a great night's sleep.* There Was Nothing Like the Real Thing, Baby - Until BoobaFeed.
*NOTE: For the casting of Todd and Melissa, we want to cast actors who look as dissimilar as possible, to ensure that their characters are not confused for siblings. Being breast fed for 8+ years is still looked upon as odd by some. The more we can imply that more than one family has taken this approach, the better. Please don’t take rejection personally; casting is all about fit.
** UPDATE: Commercial was previously listed as paying SAG + ten percent, but due to rejection of our COVID related small business loan (the loan officer was formula fed!) we can only pay our actors in product along with our limited edition stress ball in the shape of a breast (customizations are available).