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Confessions of an Almond Mom

By Libby Nook

I am actually only vegan Monday through Friday because I like to treat myself to a plate of soft cheeses before bed on the weekends.

I despise both hot and cold yoga but do it twice a week with the ladies solely to hear about the status of Diane Rigley’s affair with our country club’s tennis pro, Sergio.

Even worse, I am a tad jealous of Diane Rigley’s affair with Sergio.

In fact, if I wasn’t so concerned about my reputation at St. Mary’s Church as the official Weekly Elder Bible Study Leader, I too would consider finding a Serbian tennis-playing smoke show.

I love Jif Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter.

I regret telling my daughter, Loulou, that she’s a great singer because she’s not. Every sound that comes out of her mouth slices and penetrates my earlobes. Her brother, Winston, calls her singing ear rape. I don’t disagree.

I hide a jar of Jif Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter in the top drawer of the spice cabinet so the kids can’t find it.

I purposely served a tennis ball at Daine Rigley’s head when I found out about her affair with Sergio. However, it was not my intention to severely concuss her in the process.

I only eat from my secret Jif Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter jar on three separate occasions: after our annual Thanksgiving dinner with Rodney’s parents, after Loulou’s singing recitals, and during school nights when Rodney is traveling, where I spend hours watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I killed Shiny the goldfish twelve different times. I know it’s inhumane, but I only have so many hours in a day, and feeding that goddamn goldfish is not on the top of my to-do list. Luckily, I’ve hit a real soft spot with Pete, the owner of Pete’s Pets, who gives me an identical fish after each death. Free of charge!

I find the Soul Cycle moms annoying. I think PTA bake sales are dumb.

I dread every second I spend volunteering as a Girl Scout Troop leader or handing out peeled clementines during Winston’s youth soccer games.

But worst of all, I don’t even like almonds.


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