By Sophie Cohen:
It’s me, your 30 year old self. No, George Clooney isn’t dead, and yes, he is still a stunna-- even in a vegitative state. You always said “men are hotter before they open their mouths” anyways.
So, you still have the same two friends that you met in school. It was kind of weird that you only made two friends as a kid. You should have branched out more and you probably shouldn’t have referred to everyone with the exception of Korin and Annie as your “co-workers”.
So, I’m one person, or so it seems, and since you -- and consequently I -- have two friends, we are what is commonly called a trio: a group of three. Friend groups of three are warned against: notorious for side effects like jealousy, wrath, nausea, and all the other stuff on the Trulicity pill bottles. Despite all this, friend groups of three can be healthy, and beautiful. Ours just is not. Totally kidding! We’re doing great and we’ve actually been friends for 17 years now! Here are some of the positives of being in a group of three that I’ve noticed throughout my time in one that I’m passing on to you… just for kicks… because my therapist is making me.
In a friend group of three you avoid the obvious disasters that come with being in a duo. You aren’t asked for threesomes by horny guys and you aren’t asked to play 2 on 2 frisbee golf with even hornier guys. This has been a lifesaver because I am very bad at one of those two activities!
One of you gets out of being the maid of honor for your friend’s wedding and doesn’t have to write and memorize some sort of stupid idiot speech that I’m totally not upset about not getting invited to write myself. It’s so convenient and it saves so much time!
With a group of four it’s almost impossible to find a halloween costume that doesn’t suck! A group of four can dress up as the Beatles but a group of three can dress up as The Beatles without George Harrison. Both The Beatles and I are in agreement that that’s the right way to do things.
Seriously! I’ve saved so much time not writing my maid of honor speech! I mean sure I’ve wasted 17 years of friendship for no payoff! But to watch my best friend give my other best friend a blessing to marry the pitbull of a man that is tearing her away from us makes it all worth it! They deserve it! Both of them! I’m so happy for them! Ya know, she probably just did it because she knows I hate writing. I mean, I don’t hate writing -- I love it, but maybe she got the wrong impression. But how could she? I do it for a living! I literally run a business that writes wedding vows and bridesmaids speeches. So why would she pick our other friend to be her maid of honor? Does she want a bad and unprofessional wedding? I’m so happy for her though! She really seems to have found the love of her life!
You wait for less time when you play monopoly between your first turn and your second turn..
When you open up a can of tennis balls, there’s one for each of you! So fun!
It inspires me to want to get married so that I can have a wedding and hire neither of them as my bridesmaid! I’ll hire one of my highschool “coworkers” instead. The only problem is I put no effort into my relationships with them and know almost nothing about them besides their opinions on the climate. Maybe I’ll reach out to Emily. The last I heard from her, she was cold. How should I start out my invitation? “Hi Emily! Are you still cold? By the way, do you want to be my bridesmaid?”
There’s always one person to sit in the back seat of the car and hold the pizza box so it doesn’t spill.
Those are about all of the positives I can think of right now because I’m busy getting ready for my friend’s wedding. What should I wear so that I don’t seem desperate?
30 year old Sophie