By Noah Stern:
Here at the Milking Cat, we believe it is our duty as the most influential pop culture
outlet in the Western Hemisphere to inform our tens of millions of readers about the current
social happenings around the globe. The most prominent of which is, of course, the release of the mildly-anticipated, low-budget independent film Avengers: Endgame. (And yes it's spoiler free.)
Now, having viewed the movie last night, we believe now is the perfect time to set
straight all of the most popular Avengers fan theories and stop the spread of fake news in American society.
#1: The Entire Marvel Cinematic Universe was, In fact, a Sprawling Sequel to Ferris Bueller’s
This theory was by far the most popular one we've heard. For months before the movie, we
had seen it all over the internet. While we were watching Avengers: Endgame it was all we could think about. Various questions popped into our heads, such as: “When will the Avengers return to Chicago to discover what has become of Dean Rooney?” or “Will Tony Stark be able to trick Thanos into believing he is sick in bed using an elaborate pulley system when in reality he is out trying to save the universe?” and, most importantly, “Will we as an audience ever know what became of Cameron after he destroyed his father’s 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California Spyder?”.
Unfortunately, after watching the entirety of the movie we can definitively say that the Marvel
Cinematic Universe has no connection whatsoever to the world of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Honestly, from a practical perspective we are surprised that more fans didn’t realize that Disney never acquired the rights to the Bueller franchise from Paramount Pictures or that Matthew Broderick has stated several times that he did not like the direction the Russo Brothers were trying to take with his signature character in the first place.
#2: The Avengers Will Enlist the help of Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson to Defeat Thanos
Another incredibly popular theory, but unfortunately just as untrue. We need you all to
trust us here as we paid extremely close attention, but at no point during the entirety of the
film did decorated Confederate Lieutenant General Stonewall Jackson either appear or
offer the Avengers any strategic assistance. Again, we implore the fans to think logically about this one. First of all, the timetable of this theory is all wrong. Stonewall Jackson died in 1863 from complications of pneumonia just 8 days after having been hit by friendly fire returning to his camp from the battle of Chancellorsville. Avengers: Endgame takes place in the year 2019 To have the famed general appear in present day, especially in space, would require some pretty major suspension of disbelief. And for all the die-hard Stonewall Jackson fans out there, think about this: even if the Avengers were somehow able to find a way for Jackson to appear in 2019, he would be severely disoriented and outmatched. First of all, there are several African-American and Wakandan members of the team in this movie, and we have to assume that there would be a fair bit of tension in that department. Furthermore, Stonewall Jackson would simply not have the military expertise to contend with Thanos and his control of the Infinity Stones. Not to mention, we have a feeling he would not know enough about the advanced technology (Iron Man suits, Thor’s control of thunder, etc.) on his own side to fully be able to put together a coherent combat strategy. Maybe if the Avengers used 1861 Model Springfield Rifles it would be a different story.
#3: The Majority of the Movie Takes Place in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
While this theory is a bit less well-known than the other two, it does make quite a bit of
sense comparatively. First, most subscribers to this theory would point out that every major
Disney movie has taken place somewhere in Vietnam. While after extensive research we can
confirm that this is true, we also have to acknowledge the Russo Brothers’ stated desire to go in a different direction for this film, and many thought that direction would be East. Another reason some believe this theory is the fact that in the original Marvel comics, it is revealed that the one language Thanos failed to master is Vietnamese. Strategically, staging the final battle in Ho Chi Minh City would give the Avengers a major tactical advantage, as they would be able to read the street signs and travel around the city much faster than Thanos.
Unfortunately, as much as it pains us to say, the events of Avengers: Endgame never occur in the most populous city in Vietnam, Ho Chi Minh. For the purposes of the movie, we can understand this creative choice. For one, Brie Larson had already filmed in Vietnam for Kong: Skull Island and had reportedly angered the locals over a dispute while shopping in a fish market. Subsequently, she has been banned from all Vietnamese airlines and is second only to Lyndon B. Johnson on Vietnam’s “Most Hated Americans” list. In support of their fellow cast member, the actors of Endgame decided to forego the previously mentioned Disney-Vietnam tradition.
As you can see, 3 of the most popular Avengers: Endgame fan theories are certifiably
false. As much as we at The Milking Cat hate to break this unfortunate news to our readers, we hope that this debunking lets you watch the movie through your own eyes, without the thoughts of thousands of idiots on the internet swaying your judgement.
A big thank you to the following Wikipedia pages for allowing us to conduct our invaluable
“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”
“Ho Chi Minh City”
“Category: Films Shot in Vietnam”
“Kong: Skull Island”