By Natalie Parker:
I remember it perfectly. I was eight years old, sitting on a couch that was crusty with child boogers, and I was perfectly enraptured by Beauty and the Beast. I saw Belle collapse, crying over the wounded body of the Beast, and I heard the music swell gorgeously as beams of light filled the screen, just before the healed Beast turned around and revealed…a borderline ugly human man with stoner hair.
At eight years old, I knew the Beast was hotter as a Beast. But why? How was that possible? After about ten minutes of carefully procrastinating writing a paper for English that’s due in half an hour, I have figured out the truth: the Walt Disney Company’s true intentions are to convince us all that animals are sexy. There can be no other explanation.
The Beast is the gateway drug. Why else would Disney make his human self look so boring? I’m serious. Go Google it. His face is utterly forgettable in every way. On the other hand, the non-human version of the Beast can fight off invading wolves with his bulging muscles.
After him, there’s Nick Wilde from Zootopia. He dresses like a lovable scoundrel, and he’s clever and that voice is smooth as all hell. I have frank conversations with friends that are about thirsting over him. He’s a bad boy chick magnet.
Then, they move onto Simba from The Lion King. He’s so responsible and well-intentioned, and his hair is so well done. I know that I started looking differently at lions after I saw him defeat Scar. I’m pretty sure that’s how it’s supposed to work.
After Simba, they’ve got Duchess and Thomas O’Malley from The Aristocats and Pongo and Perdita in 101 Dalmations. Disney makes us root for these romances by persuading us that these pets are viable romantic partners, and we as human beings never root for romances that we can’t see ourselves getting involved in. Conclusion: we want to bond with our pets in the City of Love.
Now, Disney’s got us subdued and compliant. They can make us salivate over anyone…and anything. Live action Lady and the Tramp? Why not? That movie’s real purpose was to convince us that it’s a wise decision to share a plate of spaghetti with our dogs under romantic candlelight. Wait—that’s it! Bob Chapek is a puppet CEO and the Disney Company is run by dogs whose true intention is to get us to worship them! Oh, it makes so much sense now—all those movies with adorable puppies, all of those stories featuring dogs that eat human food, all of those jacked animals that can get it. I’ve discovered a conspiracy! The world will thank me!
Well, now the essay was due five minutes ago, so I should probably stop this. I’ve definitely used my time wisely, though—think about how much money I can make from suing Disney over this. As for you, when you set our nation’s children in front of televisions to watch Disney movies while you dojustoneloadoflaundryandthenI’llbeagoodparentIpromise, think first: what are you exposing your child to, and what hazards to their dating life are you welcoming with open arms?