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Election 2024

By Alexander Chun Two greased-up men circle each other in the ring, eyes locked, waiting for the other to make the first move. The roar of the crowd fills the stadium with a thunderous commotion unmatched by any other event. The bright white spotlights sweep through the crowd and come to rest on the two men in the ring. On the right stands the imposing Donald J Trump, the ultra-heavyweight champion, who weighs in at a whopping 267 pounds. On the left stands his opponent, Sleepy Joe, weighing in at a mere 78 pounds.

The match looks to be in Trump's favor as the bell rings, and the crowd’s roar fills the stadium like a clap of lingering thunder. Suddenly, Biden throws a right hook, catching Trump off guard. It glances off Trump’s impenetrable wall of orange fat forged from a colossal mass of McDonald’s cheeseburgers welded together by thousands of KFC chicken wings. For minutes they circle each other. Trump begins to wear out as the walk of 600 feet winds him. His body is racked with cramps, as his legs buckle under his weight. Then Sleepy Joe’s Legs begin to buckle. Trump, now pouring out sweat, looked like a monster as his bright orange Cheeto dust was washed away by the torrential downpour of his sweat, revealing his pale white flesh beneath. He then saw Sleepy Joe’s legs weaken, and he lunged at Sleepy Joe, his bright red Maga-branded boxing gloves smashing into Sleepy Joe’s face like a bus into a stop sign. Biden flew back, spit flying from his mouth, and crumpled to the ground, near defeat. The crowd held their breath, in anticipation of the violence and gore that was yet to come. Trump jumped onto Biden's back and railed him with his fists, as the bloodthirsty crowd’s roar reverberated through the stadium. Biden cried out as the angry 50-pound fists slammed into his back, with sickening cracks. Then, out of the blue, Biden’s ice cream began to kick in as he pushed Trump off his back. Biden was now filled with anger as he savagely began beating Trump into a pulp, sweat pouring down his face.

Just as Trump looked like he was going to pass out, a dark figure loomed behind Biden. With one vicious blow, it knocked Biden into the stands. Then into the spotlight stepped Vladimir Putin, with his greased-up six-packs. Biden lay there trying to stand up, but his frail 80-year-old body did not have the strength. He collapsed onto the white linoleum floor soaked in sweat. Trump, blinded by the blinding spotlights, looked up and croaked out, “Vladimir?” The looming Putin responded to the bruised and bloodied Trump by saying, “ I always got your back Donald. Don’t you remember Hillary?”(read this in Russian accent). He then called out, “I would never let my political pawn– I mean friend, fail” (still read in Russian accent).


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