By Joshua Wu
Elon Musk is taking on Mark Zuckerberg in the ring and here’s what you need to
Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg have a long history of fighting through the internet as
two high profile tech CEOs, going as far back as 2016 when a SpaceX launch destroyed a
Facebook satellite. Throughout this time, they have disagreed on matters such as AI, Meta, and Facebook. However, the most recent spat between the two ended with Elon throwing down the gauntlet and challenging Zuckerberg to a cage fight, followed by Zuckerberg’s assent.
What training do the two tech titans have?
Mark Zuckerberg seems to have a definitive edge over his opponent in terms of training.
The 39 year old likes to boast that he has participated and trained for a variety of Brazilian
jiu-jitsu tournaments. At a height of 5’7 and an approximate 154 pounds, it appears lacking as
Elon clocks in at a lofty 6’1 and around 200 pounds. While it is clear that Elon has both the
height and weight advantage, his training is far more stunted than Zuckerberg’s, with his only
record being experiences with taekwondo, jui-jitsu, and other martial arts as a boy. Additionally, he is 52 years old, meaning he will likely be less fit and weaker than Zuckerberg.
What specialties could play into the fight?
As we’ve discussed, Elon has the reach advantage and weight advantage on his 6’1
frame, while Zuckerberg has a likely advantage in agility and speed. Additionally, Zuckerberg
may have a secret power hidden in his sleeves. As many people have speculated, it is very
likely that Zuckerberg happens to be a lizard. While the reports are still unconfirmed, it may give him a significant advantage as lizards have scales which could protect him from blows, and can climb up walls easily, giving him the advantage of a fast escape. That’s not to say that Musk is unprepared, as many people speculate that he could possibly have made an Iron Man suit in preparation for his bout. This would be very bad for Zuckerberg as Elon owns the flamethrower company Boring, and as we all know lizards are cold blooded, which would cause Zuckerberg to be far more susceptible to the flames than an average person.
How does the location of the fight affect the two fighters?
According to rumors that indicate that the Italian government is interested in backing the
fight, the Minister of Culture in Italy has contacted Zuckerberg asking if he would be interested in a potential fight at the historical site of the Colosseum, where ancient gladiators would duke it out in the massive structure. The Colosseum is famous and has featured in movies such as Gladiator, due to the tremendous size and surprises the stadium offered. For instance, in the upcoming fight, the 36 trapdoors placed throughout the arena could be used to release wild animals to mix up the fight. Experts speculate Zuckerberg could arrange large predatory lizards to be released so he can mind control them with his lizard-man powers, which could give him an edge. While Zuckerberg certainly has the option to take command of a lizard army, Rome is included in the coverage of Tesla’s Starlink satellites, which could allow Musk to call down orbital death rays and even a Hulkbuster suit. Though many people are speculating about the possible Colosseum showdown, it still is completely unconfirmed. Some sources close to Elon say that he may be looking to put the fight on American soil, specifically the parking lot of his favorite Texas restaurant Fonda San Miguel. While some may view this location as an absolute joke compared to Zuckerberg’s idea which could give him a huge edge, it is worth noting that Fonda San Miguel does serve foods containing avocado, which contains persin, a toxin that lizards cannot eat. Elon could try to force Zuckerberg to consume a dish with avocado, which would weaken or kill the lizard man.
Predications of the Musk v Zuckerberg fight:
According to the experts, there is a good idea of how the fight will go. Obviously, both
are very intelligent men who are capable of creating strategies that nobody will expect.
Assuming the two combatants fight in a space neither can gain an inherent advantage from,
Zuckerberg will land several good hits on Musk early on in the fight with his higher agility and
speed coupled with his martial arts. Elon Musk is expected to appear in a Tesla-Man suit
equipped with flamethrowers that will grant him higher strength and durability, which will allow
him to survive the first hits from Zuckerberg. However, even though Musk’s suit may struggle to tag Zuckerberg with the flamethrowers, the heat in the arena will weaken Zuckerberg as they fight. As rumors may have it, Zuckerberg may choose to use a secret weapon if Musk's brings flamethrowers into the match, and analysts believe this could be a 100 megaton nuclear bomb which would cause his lizard form to turn into Godzilla from the radiation. Any spectators would be instantly incinerated. Musk may then choose to call in more powerful Tesla-Man suits like the previously mentioned Hulkbuster or even the Twitterbuster. This fight will likely continue for a day until Elon Musk’s suits run out of battery, as a full charge of the average Tesla lasts around 25 hours, though when fighting the battery might get depleted faster, giving Mark Zuckerberg the ultimate victory.
What would the effects of the hypothetical fight be:
Well, first off, if Zuckerberg does indeed turn into Godzilla then there will be nuclear
radiation and damage reaching up to 62 miles or 100 kilometers. Secondly, whoever loses has a high chance of dying. It is speculated that the two may intend to hand over their respective social media platforms based on the status of the loser after the fight. If one of them acquires the company of the other, they will likely create a company holiday, i.e. Mark-Day or Elon-Day where they will commemorate their great victory over their legendary opponent. Either way, the outcome of the fight is sure to create massive waves throughout the entire world, including shockwaves if you were within 150 miles of the atomic bomb.