Fantasy Football By The Numbers
By Noah Stern:
To celebrate the start of the fantasy football playoffs, our team at the Milking Cat wanted to take a look back at the wild ride that was the 2019 regular season. In this article, we will be showing you how the season unfolded using only the most reliable facts and statistics known to man.
Here we have graphed the Draft Stock of some players compared to their actual performance during the season. We have omitted some 800+ other players and opted to display some of the most extreme cases with Wendell Smallwood for reference.
Here is a pie chart of the projected league winners based on who they drafted with their first overall pick. No major surprises other than the fact that Christian McCaffrey carried every smug idiot who picked 3rd overall to the championship. We decided not to include Patrick Mahomes in the “other” category to single out the group of self-proclaimed “analysts” who swore it was worthwhile to take a quarterback with their first pick.
Now we have a look at our own Milking Cat office pool, plotting the number of trades each member made against their winning percentage on the season. The biggest surprise coming out of this year was the emergence of Christy from HR, who is now the clear #1 seed and basically unstoppable. Christy didn’t make a single trade all year and, to be honest, was mostly just included in order to fill out the league. But, she had an incredible draft and somehow hit on all of the high-risk/high-reward players she selected, despite not being able to name any NFL players besides Tom Brady.
Bill from advertising just couldn’t stop trading this year. Unfortunately, he just kept losing value due to constant misevaluations of players. This year, Bill was the architect of such genius trades as “Julio Jones for JuJu and Joe Mixon” and “Dak Prescott for Baker Mayfield and Rams Defense.”
Additionally, we are sure that our loyal readers are wondering about Jake and what his responsibilities are at TheMilkingCat.com. Honestly, we couldn’t tell you. Sometimes these things happen when a successful corporation gets too large. Jobs are constantly being created and eliminated an sometimes somebody ends up on payroll even though their responsibilities have been given away and spread out amongst other positions. Jake barely shows up to work anymore for fear of one day being called into the Editor-in-Chief’s office and being informed of his inevitable termination. This has culminated in Jake’s overt negligence of his team. Let Jake’s participation in the office fantasy league serve as a warning to you all about the dangers of exorbitant capitalism and inequity in the modern American workforce.