How Easy Would It Be to Rob these TV Families?

By Ben Fogler

1. The Tanner/Fuller Family of Full House -- VERY easy

Literally anybody could do anything to this family. Their door is always open, and they actually take pride in it being that way. Not to mention, they live in San Francisco, which has one of the highest crime rates of any major US city. Frankly, it’s a wonder that they haven’t been robbed already.

1. The Kardashians of Keeping Up With The Kardashians; The Kardashians -- near impossible

I pity the fool who tries to pull a fast one on Kris Jenner. That woman has more power than most governments. Here’s what would happen if you tried to rob the Kardashians: Kourtney would canoodle with Travis until you physically couldn’t handle the PDA, then she’d poosh you down the stairs, where you’d land ungracefully impaled on Khloé’s 6-inch nails. As you lay bleeding, Kim would make a group chat called “Not y/n” as you were bludgeoned to death by her children and their iPads. And that’s not even considering what the Jenner side of the family is capable of. Kendall’s an equestrian, for crying out loud. If Kim’s kids didn’t finish me off, I’d surely be ended by the clomping hooves of Belle, Dylan, and Arizona (yes, I did look up their names). So yeah, no, I wouldn’t even attempt this one. 

1. The Ingalls of Little House on the Prairie -- Why bother?

I don’t really know how easy it’d be to rob the Ingalls -- probably not super difficult because, as I recall, their windows were made of greased paper -- but why would I even want to? This was a pioneer family in the 1870s. They weren’t exactly living the high life. Probably the only thing of value that they possessed was stolen indigenous lands, and it’s not like I could just take those -- I’m not the US Government, for Pete’s sake. 

1. The Flintstones of The Flintstones -- easy

Frankly, The Flintstones were before my time, so this analysis is purely based on the only thing I know them from: my multivitamins. Talk about a genius move to keep your brand relevant long after you’ve left television! There are kids today who have no idea that The Flintstones were ever on TV, but they still eat gummy versions of their faces on the daily. Anyway, I don’t think the vitamin version of The Flintstone family could do anything but sit back and watch as I robbed them of their meager possessions. Also, I bet if I fed one of the actual Flintstones a Flintstone vitamin, they’d either die, explode, or mutate, and I’m pretty sure that’d keep them occupied while I took everything they owned. 

1. The Crawleys of Downton Abbey -- highly dependent on certain factors

The ease of this all hinges on who from the family that I would be robbing. Violet Crowley, the Dowager Countess of Grantham, for example, would be unthinkably difficult -- I couldn’t even get past the front door before being tragically impaled on her sharp tongue. Most of the male characters, on the other hand, are bumbling fools, so I don’t think that would be quite the challenge. 

1. The Pearsons of This is Us -- It’d be my duty

If I robbed the Pearsons, I wouldn’t do it for me, I’d do it for the viewers. This is Us was, in my humble opinion, the best family drama of the last 15 years on television. Could you imagine how well the writers would milk my robbery? We’d get like at least six episodes out of it, plus it would reveal the deep trauma that Kevin has about theft (there’d be a storyline with teenage Kevin where he stole something and felt immense guilt about it, and somehow it was also Randall’s fault), put a strain on Randall and Beth’s marriage (we get a dueling plot where Randall and Kevin fight over being the man of the house after Jack died because Kevin keeps screwing up and Randall has anxiety), and probably Kate would be the one who mediated the whole thing by reminding them that their mother is the one suffering here (Rebecca reiterates to her teen children that she can barely get out of bed in the morning and also is reminded of a time when Jack saved her from getting mugged). So basically I just gave them an entire concluding arc to a season. You’re welcome. 

1. The Addams Family of The Addams Family -- very difficult

Confession: I have never seen The Addams Family television show or any The Addams Family films (live-action or animated), but our school play last year was The Addams Family, which would be helpful, except I didn’t go to see that either. However, I have seen one piece of content from this fabulous family, and that would, of course, be the incredibly popular Netflix series Wednesday, starring voice-of-her-generation Jenna Ortega. Based on that show, I think it would be very, very difficult to rob them. Maybe not as difficult as the Kardashians, but still, no simple feat. We all saw what Jenna did to those swimmers. Frankly, I’m not looking to have my heinie chomped off by poorly CGI’d piranhas.