How to Write an English Essay

By Danny Slater:


Step 1: Check the due date. If it is due in ten days, wait nine days and then proceed to step two.

Step 2: Read the book. The most important part to getting past the “C Minus Threshold” is to make sure you actually know what’s going on. Promptly learn character names, setting, and grab a thesaurus. Then move on to step 3.

Step 3: Come up with a thesis. This is the part of the essay that matters the most, but no pressure! If it uses the word “although” skip step four. If you don’t understand a word of what you just wrote, go to step 4.

Step 4: Read the damn book! We both know you didn’t do it.

Step 5: Find evidence. Gather up quotes from the book that you have *supposedly* read that support your thesis. If you can’t, go back to step three. If you can, move on to step six.

Step 6: Lie to your parents and say that you finished the essay and were on top of something for once.

Step 7: Write your topic sentences. Just condense all the main points of your argument into one sentence, it’s easy! Check the clock. After fifteen minutes, leave it blank and give yourself a mental reminder to come back to it later. Step 8: If you still haven’t read the book at this point, then now would be a good time!

Step 9: Write the body paragraphs. If your ideas don’t make sense, consult your thesaurus and use the words with the most syllables (check definitions later).

Step 10: Reread and ponder whether you’d get a better grade if you just didn’t turn it in.


Step 11: Beg your teacher for an extension until Monday. Go back to step 1 and repeat.