By Ben Fogler
I have found myself in a real predicament. I’m in a pickle, so to speak. I’ve just been betwixt myself. And beside myself. And behind myself. Oh, I’m all over the place!
For a few months now, I’ve been living with this horrible idea, and try as I might, I can’t seem to shake it. It has ruined so many things for me. I can’t sleep, I can hardly stop sobbing, and I certainly can’t eat. I’ve done everything to rid myself of these vile notions -- listening to my favorite songs, throwing myself into my work, lobotomy -- but nothing seems to do the trick.
You see, some time ago, I developed a morbid fascination with everyday objects. I imagined them to be sentient, living creatures, capable of experiencing pain. The thing is, I’m not in the least bit sadistic; rather, I’m almost too merciful and humane in my opinion. I’m very forgiving, empathetic, and sweet, actually. And I’m single.
Anyways, like I was saying, I’m sort of the opposite of a sadist, and so when I thought about inanimate objects having feelings and experiencing discomfort, all I wanted to do was ensure I wasn’t causing any suffering for them. See how kind I am? Like, I knew that obviously they’re not alive (unless they are, in which case, I didn’t mean it!), but once you get an idea stuck in your head, it’s hard to let go. I mean, think about how difficult it would be to be a floor? Literally your only purpose is to be stepped on. Or like, earbuds, they have to be plugged into someone’s disgusting waxy ear holes. Gross. But even that pales in comparison to being a toilet. Could you imagine? I certainly could, and did. YIKES! I’ll let you sit with that. I mean honestly, being a toilet is probably a fate worse than death. I feel so bad for toilets. Especially after I eat at Chipotle. Hello!
I couldn’t let these fantasies affect my daily life, though. And for the most part, I didn’t. I was able to remind myself that all this was just in my head -- toilets don’t actually have to consume fecal matter and urine. I mean, they do, but it’s not like a big deal for them. They’re not losing any sleep over it. And what about some objects -- if they were alive, it would probably be pretty nice. Getting to be one of the Fabergé eggs, for example? Always looking stunning and being treated with extreme care and the highest regard? That sounds pretty nice. But at a certain point, I couldn’t ignore these horrible, torturous ideas any longer. And that moment came when I began to think about if food had feelings.
I’m not just talking about any food. Interestingly enough, the food that actually is alive and sentient at some point is easiest for me to consume. Sorry vegans, I like hamburgers, what can I say? No, I mean foods that have a cute face. Like Peeps. Or Goldfish.
I know it sounds silly, but I’m a sucker for cute, innocent stuff. Just like Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye, but wayyy cooler and less repetitive. Seriously, I read that book in English last quarter, and oh my goodness can he just say a thought without saying it a thousand times. We get it, you like museums. I know it’s stylistic, but it’s just too much. Sorry. I keep getting off topic, much like a certain Holden Caulfield- Sorry, I can’t resist!!
SO LIKE I WAS SAYING, I like cute things. And that makes it really hard to eat them! When you get it in your head that they’re alive, it’s like you’re putting your favorite childhood toy in your mouth. AND THEN CHEWING and SWALLOWING. It’s evil.
And if you think this wouldn’t be that big of a deal, I'd invite you to consider how many foods have a sweet little face. There are, of course, the aforementioned Peeps and Goldfish. So bye bye, casual snacking. So many confections have a face frosted on. I can’t even window shop at a bakery without being confronted with the truth that soon those little guys will be caught in somebody’s gnashers. And what about gingerbread men? Christmas ruined. Or those fun fries that are smiley-faces? I used to love those. Now, if I see one, my day is just about ruined. Because I know, soon enough, that frown is gonna be turned upside down. No, not upside down, to mush. And oh God, don’t even get me started on dino nuggets. Those little guys already went extinct, and now I’m killing them again. So yeah, it’s not easy once these stupid little thoughts get stuck in your cranium. Try sleeping now.
Anyway, that’s the predicament I’m in. If anyone else has experienced this and knows a solution, call in. I would love to know how to free myself, so that I can finally enjoy Sour Patch Kids without feeling like I’m devouring a child. Thanks!