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Ideas for a Funeral

By Elsa Boehm

On the verge of death and don’t know what to do? Your will has been written, and you've said your goodbyes, but are having trouble planning your last hoorah? We’ve all been at a loss for what to do after we die. We’ve also all needed to fake our deaths to avoid the IRS. So never fear, for I have many an idea to send your life out with a bang.


(i) Have a kahoot about your life, and whoever wins gets the money. This way, you make sure that the only ones who get the bag are the ones who really know you. Plus, it makes it really easy to frame your enemies for murder:

Example:

True or False: Gladys murdered me

Answer: True

(After this Kahoot, a massive witch hunt will ensue. Aunts will come to blows, and hurtful words will be spoken. It will all be solved when a capybara intercedes and speaks sweet words of peace).


(ii) Close off a major highway and display signs in the middle of the road closures saying, “You can’t get to work because (y/n) died. Enjoy the day off.” Have you ever been afraid that when you finally drop, nobody will remember you? That people will only come to your funeral for the snacks? With a highway closure, the only people who will come to your funeral are the ones who care about you enough to drive through road barriers--a true test of commitment. Also, people will remember you as a pioneering renegade campaigning against the corporate machine, not just a sad accountant.


(iii) Make sure nobody gets bored by putting on a Subway Surfers reel in the background. Worried guests will doze off during the eulogy? Just play Subway Surfers behind the speaker. This way, guests will be just overstimulated enough that they don’t try to run into the coffin themselves.


(iv) End the night with “It’s the Final Countdown.” Bonus points if you add “End of the Road” to the cue.

In conclusion, if you want to be more than “that guy” who dropped dead of high cholesterol after eating a lifetime full of McDonalds and milkshakes, I strongly recommend incorporating these ideas into your end-of-life routine.

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