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In Defens of Autocroet

By Ben Fogler For far too long, we’ve been staunch haters of something designed only to help us. Daily, autocorrect is slandered. Insulted. Defamed. And honestly, for what?

People make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. Sometimes when I’m not paying attention I put empty boxes of cereal back on the counter. Many older siblings will argue that their parents made a mistake having more children. And every person who has ever used a keyboard has made a “typo.” What is a typo? It’s a mistake. A mistake that you would have to fix every single time if it weren’t for autocorrect.

Autocorrect does the dirty work. It picks up your slack, so you don’t have to. And it’s a thankless job. When’s the last time you opened your flappers to express how happy you are for this marvelous invention that only seeks to aid you? Huh? That’s what I thought. Everyone always asks “what is the point of autocorrect,” or “why is autocorrect so awful,” but no one ever asks, “how is autocorrect doing? I heard they’ve been verbally abused by every human on the planet, I hope they’re okay.”

And yeah, I’ll be the first to admit that autocorrect makes misters. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to go back because it changed the word “her” to “hee,” which isn’t even a word except when I want to express that I found something funny I like to type “hee hee” so now autocorrect thinks that’s what I want to say all the time. But guess what? That’s my fault because I can’t say “haha” or “lmao” or “I’m screaming and crying and throwing up and urinating down my leg and all over the floor” like a normal person. The machine learns from me, so really, I’m to blame. This feels like a metaphor. Perhaps it can be extended to the entire human race. I’m not sure. Forget about it, this article is supposed to be funny. Hope you’re hee heeing.

Anyway, it so enrages me that autocorrect is so viciously criticized because sometimes it makes mistakes. Hey, news flash Brenda, autocorrect wouldn’t make mistakes if it didn’t have to fix yours. How ‘bout instead of dissing the only thing that’s trying to help, you take a few typing lessons? People are so ungrateful. You know what this reminds me of? The Giving Tree. Except I have reason to believe that our own technologies won’t be as forgiving of our ingratitude as Shel Silverstein’s sentient arborvitae. I saw The Matrix. If I were you I’d start showing some respect real quick.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Mistakes aren’t the only universal parts of the human condition. Neither are death and taxes. We also have a tendency to blame everyone but ourselves for our problems. Even the things we invented to solve our problems. We’re really dumb like that. Let’s be real, with the human race, the wheel is spinning but the hamster’s dead, if you catch my drift. Oh hey look, now this is turning into a commentary on society and a call to action. Maybe instead of criticizing the things we made, we could go about trying to improve them. And this extends to climate change, the food crisis, global conflicts, etc. Hey admissions officers, are you writing this down? Go ahead, add points.

Well to conclude, I just wanted to advocate as the sole defender of autocorrect. It’s taken a beating from just about everybody; I figured it could use a friendly voice. But I’ll bet autocorrect is a little bit tired of taking the high road, and it’s ready to strike back. So hey autocorrect, if you ever want to drop a sick diss track, hit me us. I’m always down to spit some crazy bears.


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