By Ella Bilu An influencer’s favorite time of the year is here: the holiday season! These last few weeks of the year are the only time influencers can shamelessly talk about their lucrative purchases without getting four thousand comments slamming them, all ending in these emojis 💋💅✨.
But because they are so considerate of how we peasants (people who do not own Birkins or get sent PR from Mr. Beast Chocolate) live in comparison to them, they always begin with a thoughtful disclaimer. It goes something like this:
“Hi guyuhssss! Happy holidays to everyone and welcome to my gift haul! I first want to start off by acknowledging how incredibly privileged and lucky I am to be sharing these gifts with you today. I know not everyone is as fortunate as me, to be born as the daughter of a socialite and a corporate lawyer, and to be dating your favorite mediocre athlete. I am in no way trying to brag about what I got and I am extremely grateful. I do this only for educational purposes.”
At the beginning, they start small:
“So I first want to share my stocking stuffers! I was super lucky to get this chic Apple Watch along with a Cartier gold wristband. I love makeup and my boyfriend loves it when I wear make-up so he got me various items from Drunk Elephant and Charlotte Tilbury. I also got this Tiffany bracelet but I already have one so I’m thinking I may just give it away. And lastly, I got a few gift cards to a local spa and for this amazing brand called Blossom.”
And somehow, this haul has now turned into sponsorship. “Once upon a time I was ugly,” (which is code for “before I got botox and a $10,000 nose job.”) “but then I found Blossom! My skin turned clear, my nose began to shrink, and my boobs began to grow! All you need to do is get this $73 2 oz can of green powder, put a scoop in water, and drink once a day. Use code “FALALALA2024” for 10% your first purchase”
After the not-so-subtle promotion, it’s back to the gifts. If you thought the stocking stuffers alone were enough, think again. For her first real gift, her parents gifted her a 3-bedroom New York apartment in the West Village and to go with it, she also got a 157 piece Le Creuset set for $4,500! She also got the blue couch that went viral on TikTok, but is embarrassed to show it because it was popular last May.
As an influencer, she has many brand partnerships who send her gifts too! From a $7500 Dior dress sent by the resurrected Christian Dior himself to a “diamond” necklace Multi-Level Marketing scheme jewelry company, she always makes sure to say, “Guyuhss I would never lie to you, this is my favorite brand of all time. All of their stuff is so high quality.”
Finally, it wouldn’t be an influencer haul without an abundance of microtrends. Four different colors of Stanley Cups? You got it. Uggs in 3 different lengths? They’re in her closet. 17 pairs of chunky gold earrings? Of course. How can an influencer do a haul without promoting overconsumption? They can’t! It’s in their DNA.
Half of the stuff they received will be ignored or thrown out within a year, and we’ll do this all next year and the year after that. That’s the beauty of an influencer haul: the average person can not afford to do one.