By Nataly Delcid
I just finished my winter term at school, and I feel I have developed a nervous illness and I’ve progressively gotten uglier the longer I’ve been here. For two whole weeks, my hair was greasy, I slept five hours a night, and my room began to smell from the piles of fruit I had stolen in the dining halls. I also got into a fight with the girl who lives next me who screams very loudly at her very wealthy parents at night to convince them she isn’t at boarding school to get laid. Let’s be honest here–it was all a contributing factor to our decision to attend, but most of us were not socialized enough as children to get laid.
Anyways, enough about the sex no one is having.School has made us all tired and sad, and most of us would prefer to not be tired and sad.Therefore, here is a list of jobs you can take up so your nerd virgin self can drop out of school and survive (to some extent).
Barista.
Not only do you not need a degree, but you can also be edgy and mysterious and get paid for it! All you need are a couple tattoos, a nose piercing, and a mysterious name like Sloan or Clay. Before you know it, you’ll be next on Joe Goldberg’s hit list!
Sell Drugs.
Walter White this bitch up (minus the Caltech degree).
Perform Sock Puppet Shows in those Mcdonald’s play centers
If parents start complaining and kids start crying, you know you’re succeeding. As Don Quxjote said: “ “Sancho, the dogs are barking, it means that we are moving forward.”
Become a fitness influencer
Lift, protein, sleep, hydrate, roids, anorexia, photoshop, rinse, & repeat baby.
Marry rich.
Pro tip: just walk around topless on Wall Street and let the stock junkies come to you. Ignore the police–they’re just mad they can’t bag you.