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Lab 21: The Common Cold and How To Cure It

By Sarah Parmet

Purpose: For this lab, you will be exploring how to cure the common cold. You will design your own hypothesis and procedure, and then answer the analysis questions once you are done. 

And as is the case with any lab, we are not responsible for your certain death. We are too poor to get sued. Also, it’s a lot of paperwork

Hypothesis (6 points):

Please state your hypothesis. 

Pouring the ABPTP mixture on yourself, twerking naked in a forest to an Ice Spice song, while balancing a lit candle on top of your head, will cure the common cold.   

Procedure (10 points):  

Making the ABPTP mixture: 

Ingredients: A good amount of apple cider vinegar (idk how much), 8 tears of depressed bio student,  a massive chunk of ginger, two-thirds of a pineapple, lime juice, arsenic, Erewhon pink sea moss. 

  1. Put everything in blender 

  2. Mix on high

Once you have the ABPTP mixture: 


  1. Walk into an abandoned forest/ national park.  

  2. Remove every piece of clothing.

  3. Sensually oil yourself down with the mixture. 

  4. Light your cheap candle. 

  5. Place the candle on top of your head. 

  6. Turn on Ice Spice’s “Deli”.


Please describe every experiment trial. If something went wrong, explain what you will do to fix it. (5 points)

Experiment Trial #1

When making the ABPTP mixture, I accidentally turned on the blender while my hand was still in there. My mom yelled at me because the mixture (and my ring finger) ended up on the ceiling.  

Next time, I will make sure to put the lid on the blender.

Experiment Trial #2

In the process of oiling myself down with the ABPTP mixture, I was mauled by a coyote, who bit off ¾ of my left foot. 

Next time, I will yell at the coyote if it tries to bite off ¾ of my left foot. I will purchase a new foot from Shawn before the next trial. 

Experiment Trial #3

The angle that the candle created with the ground was slightly off, resulting in less than ideal static friction needed to keep it balanced. Because of this, it slid off my head while I was doing the Doja Cat split challenge. It set 30 acres of the park on fire, and I got arrested.

Next time, I will bring a motorcycle so I can leave the scene before the police get there. I will try to not go to jail again. They do not have Erewhon pink sea moss in jail. 

Experiment Trial #4: Success! 

This time, I closed the blender. I did not see a coyote because it was really dark. I super-glued the candle to my head, and my moves would have smoked every contestant on Season 19 of RuPaul’s Drag Race.


  1. The ABPTP mixture got in my eyes, nose, and mouth, and burned a ton. 

  2. I think I pulled a muscle when doing a front walkover. 

  3. I randomly started smelling smoke. 

Analysis (20 points):

Explain whether your hypothesis was confirmed or not. What worked? What didn’t? Discuss any sources of error. 

I firmly believe that I managed to cure the common cold. The ABPTP mixture, combined with the cardio from the dance made me unable to breathe, and hence my nose cleared itself! My throat was burning terribly (from the ginger), instead of feeling sore. Once I got home, I had bouts of vomiting, diarrhea, and extreme abdominal pain. I think this was because of the arsenic in the ABPTP mixture. However, this is proof of the experiment’s success — the vomiting was my body’s way of purging the cold germs! As for sources of error, I clearly had none.


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