By Benji Elkins:
After a night of procrastination, heavy drinking, and lots of pizza, local man Mike Jefferies made a pledge to better himself last night as he stood in his shower - a pledge he will break only two days from now.
As the warm waters soaked his hair and ran across his face, Jefferies is reported to have given himself a motivational talk: “Come on man. You’re a slob. Look at you. Come on. This is it. From now on, no more pizza, no more soda, I’ll read, I’ll learn, I’ll be productive. This is my new beginning.”
Accounts say Jefferies was able to go to bed with a smile on his face after making his pledge and even found some immediate success the day later when he stayed inside the whole day, only opening his mouth to puke or drink water due to a nasty hangover.
However, only one more day after that, Jefferies broke the promise he made to himself when he walked outside, picked up a pizza from Dominoes, and binge watched the whole first season of Game of Thrones on his couch.
Sources say that Jefferies will have another shower breakdown this weekend where he will pledge to end his bubblegum addiction.