Medieval Buzzfeed Quiz: 5 Hot-Button Questions

By Elsa Boehm

I’ve always wondered how people survived in Medieval times. Back in ye olden days there were, shockingly, no skibidi toilet memes, no Apple Airdrop, very few men over 6 feet, and–mind-blowingly–no Beyoncé. But worst of all, there was no Buzzfeed. Imagine–no understanding of which celebrity wore the latest burlap tunic best, knowledge of whether they’re smarter than a Russian serf, or even basic comprehension of which One Direction member is their soulmate.

How did the overworked peasants and burning heretics manage to form identities without knowing their star sign and the aesthetic that best matches their personalities? It is clear that exactly what the medieval peasants needed was a list (provided below) of very important hot-button Ye Olde Buzzfeed quiz questions.

1. Art thou a sinner?

Dost thou trade Robux on the Sabbath? If so, thou might have affronted a major deity. Take this quiz to figure out if you should just resign yourself to being burned at the stake.

2. Is your neighbor a witch?

Is thy neighbor a financially independent woman? Hast thou caught her successfully completing full sentences as she speaks, or even (gasp) gardening? If so, she might be actively practicing witchcraft. Take this quiz to find out if you drown your unsuspecting neighbor. (Answers to this quiz include 75%, 85%, and 100% sure that thy neighbor is a witch.)

3. Which wiseman matcheth thy personality?

Art thou more Balthasar, Melchior, or Caspar? ‘Tis an important question because Caspar is giving “Protestant”, which is a big no-no.

4. Pick livestock and we will pick an edgy name for your future stillborn child!

Thou mightst know John and Peter, but dost thou know Bartholemew? This quiz shall tell you whether your future stillborn child is more Eidrethie, Eezekiel, Oswald, or Harold(ed). Trust us, it matters.

5. Art thou more Bubonic Plague or Tuberculosis?

Art thou a “fashionable drama queen”? Then thou might be more Bubonic Plague. But if thou art more “tortured intellectual-core”, you might be currently dying of Consumption. (Disclaimer: Medieval Buzzfeed is not a substitute for medical treatment, if thou hast either of these ailments thou should go see a doctor to be fed “unicorn horn” or rubbed with snakes to be rapidly cured of sickness.)

[Oversized Political Ad for William the Conqueror]